Change.

It's been nearly 6 weeks since I started my new job and moved house. To be honest I've had my moments when I've thought I'd made a huge mistake. I don't know if that is normal but I guess it's natural to have some doubts. Moving to another county away from everyone and everything you know is tough. I miss my old life sometimes but then I think of the new one I have in front of me. I'm still getting to know my new surroundings but so far it is ok. Living next to a main road is a bit noisy but I can sleep through anything. I've had a couple of run ins with downstairs but I try to be patient with them. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to turn their music down when it is making your crockery rattle. I try to keep my noise down to a minimum but I have to admit the last time they had their music loud I found some heavy metal radio station and pumped up the volume. Two wrongs don't make a right but I wanted them to realise how loud their music was. I love my new flat other than that. It wasn't left in a great condition but I've cleaned it up nicely. I have a new futon and wardrobe so I have even more to cart the next time I move. Hopefully that won't be for a while.

As for work I really enjoy it. Obviously there are positives and negatives but there are with anything. The variety you get in the ED is great as it really challenges you especially when you are new to it. I feel more settled now and that I know what I'm doing a lot better. There are still times when I feel the need to ask for advice but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'd rather ask for advice than do something wrong. Emotionally it can be difficult to deal with at times due to the nature of the things some people come in with. I've never had to deal with things like miscarriage, overdose, intoxication, drugs etc. Learning to cope with these things is a continual learning curve as every case is different. I feel like the opportunity I have is an amazing one and I must embrace it. Nursing on a ward is nice in some respects but you just deal with one speciality. It is only when you go to ED or somewhere similar that you have the opportunity to be exposed to every speciality. As I was told recently, an ED nurse is a jack of all trades. This is what makes it so exciting to me as there is so much to learn and I love learning. I have noticed that there is a specific pattern of certain complaints and then you get a spattering of everything else. The other thing that can happen is you get loads of one complaint. For example I had a run of chest pains, I've had a run of trauma and a run of children. This is why I love it though. I definitely made the right decision but it's just taking time to adjust to it.

Now I have settled in at work what I feel I need to do is get out and about. I'm not the most social person and am quite happy with my own company but I think I should make an effort to do something. There's a sports centre near my flat so I may go and investigate but so far it's only been a thought. It's the next thing on my list of things to do though. One thing is for sure and that is I'm glad I took a chance.

A new start

Things have happened this year that I didn't expect to happen. Some of them were good and some of them were bad. I guess that's just life though. If it was perfect then we wouldn't learn from our experiences. October is the start of a new chapter in my life. A new job, moving house, quitting smoking and at the beginning of November I will no longer be in my twenties. Each of these has caused me some anxiety but I think that is normal. New job : When I applied for the job I never expected to be offered it. I thought my two years experience and the area in which I have been working would not be appropriate. Not to mention the problems I've had with my wrist. Nevertheless I got the job. The department manager was very flexible with regards to waiting for me to have my operation and the resulting complications to resolve. The Sister thought I had ITU experience but had clearly misheard the conversation. Yes I have ITU experience but not as a nurse but as a patient. During that conversation I began to worry that they had these preconceived ideas about my level of experience and was expecting this fabulous nurse but instead they were just getting me. To be honest I think it doesn't matter what your background is, A&E is a world of its own. It's a specialist area that you need to learn but you need to learn fast. I am looking forward to the challenge and I really hope it's not to big a challenge. Even if I don't like it I know that I will get great nursing experience from there. So after ten years working for the same NHS trust as of Sunday that stage of my working life will be over and a new one will begin. Moving house: I thought about commuting but it was just too far. I thought about my current life and made the decision to leave. Living in the countryside is great but there is nothing for me here. If I'm honest I don't really have a life. My friends live forty minutes away by car so it's not ideal. The only thing that I will miss is being near my family. It will be strange knowing they are no longer just down the road but things change and we have to move on. As a country bumpkin it will be difficult moving to a town but it will also have its benefits. Hopefully I'll make friends at work and I won't have to drive miles to see them. There's a gym right across from where I will be living which may give me the kick up the bum to do some exercise. There will be more opportunity on my doorstep than where I am now. I will be sad to leave but it's time to make a new start. Quitting smoking: I worked out that I've been smoking for about 13 years. Not something I'm particularly proud about I must admit. I don't even know how I got started, I guess it was peer pressure. It's a horrible habit and I've tried to quit before with no success. I tried using the inhalator on one attempt but found I was just smoking loads more than before. It sounds silly but every time I've tried to quit before it's never felt right. Almost like I was never truly committed and was just making a token effort. This time feels different, this time it feels like the right time. So far I've made it through 12 days which doesn't sound a lot but when you're addicted to something which is seven times more addictive than heroin then 12 days is an achievement. I just hope I haven't made too much of a mess of my internal organs. I guess now that I've stopped they will be able to repair themselves to some degree. It's a hard habit to break but I'm doing it one day at a time. 30: I'm not too keen on this number. At the beginning of November that will be my age. I know it's just a number but to me it's a large number. I look at people around me and see them married with children. It makes me feel like I've not lived my life properly. I should be playing happy families. Maybe it's just not meant to be for me. If I'm honest being 30 and being on my own does scare me a little bit. I wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life or will I meet the person of my dreams and have a mini me? I think the number 30 to me means being an adult, a proper adult. Being in your twenties has a less responsible ring to it. It makes me feel young. Being in your thirties on the other hand makes me think of responsible adults with a mortgage and a career. It really is silly being worried about a number. Nothing will change on my birthday, I will still be me.

Paralympic Closing Ceremony 2012

What can I say but wow. Definitely a once in a life time experience.

I was very irritated because I'd been through all of the ballots for Olympic tickets and got nothing. I left it late to try and get Paralympic tickets so got nothing. Then one day I was on the ticketing website and there they were, closing ceremony tickets. The trouble was they were £100 so I thought about it for about a nanosecond before I clicked the buy button. This was my chance and I wasn't going to waste it. I was so excited I couldn't wait to tell people. The day my ticket came through my letter box was fantastic. I finally had it in my hand. I didn't realise you got a free travel card for the tube so that was a nice surprise. Now I just had to wait.

The 9th September came pretty quickly. I wasn't sure about traffic to London so I set of reasonably early from Oxford. The Olympic Park didn't open until 17:30 but I wanted to get there when it did so I'd have time to take it all in. After all this was the last day it would be know as the Olympic Park, this was the last day of London 2012. When I got off at Marble Arch there were a lot of people about because of a gig going on in Hyde Park. I went down the steps to the tube. I hate the tube at the best of times so I wasn't looking forward to there being hoards of people. To my surprise they were all coming to Marble Arch and there were very few leaving. I got on the first train which was reasonably busy but nothing like I've seen. Then began my 22 minute journey on the central line to Stratford. As the train pulled in to the station I could see the familiar pinky coloured signs with Olympic Park and an arrow on them. This is where I began to feel the excitement. I was there. I followed the signs and eventually came out to a mass of people milling about outside the entrance to the park and Westfield. Of course with the gates not opening for another hour and a half I had to find something to do to occupy my time. First stop was to get water because the weather being hot I was parched after the tube ride. Then I wandered around the shops until I came to a bookshop. It was here I met a lovely couple dressed up in the GB flag sporting novelty accessories. We started chatting and it turned out they had been to numerous events. How come I only got to go to one? They ensured that I would have a fantastic time and we parted company. I think I spent 45 minutes in the bookshop then at around 5pm decided to make my way to the park entrance.

Walking down the barriered walkway I had an overwhelming sense of anticipation. The massive metal gates before security made it feel like we were entering a forbidden area. Getting through security was pretty quick. I did ask the chap if I should take my belt off, he said no and as I walked through the metal detector a familiar beep went off and I was asked to step forward. As I stood there in my star position I was padded down by a lovely RAF lady. I said 'I asked him if I should take my belt off' to which she replied 'Ah well it keeps us in a job'. I'm used to being padded down but there is still a little sense of embarrassment. I wandered off following everyone else then came the sight I never thought I would see...the Olympic Stadium. Wow. Walking down the bridge under the welcome sign I was just totally overcome with excitement. It was a mission playing camera dodging as everyone was taking pictures. I walked passed the Aquatics Centre and stood just taking it all in. That's when I asked a woman stood next to me if she'd take a picture and of course she duly obliged. One thing I have noticed is that everyone was so friendly and chatty which has not been the situation on my previous visits to London. I carried on walking and intermittently taking pictures. I had to document every second of this. I wandered over to the Orbit and took a million pictures from different angles before my stomach started growling. I decided on a jacket potato. £6 for a jacket potato and topping with a side salad. I guess extortionate prices were to be expected. I walked passed the London 2012 shop and am not joking when I say the queues were longer to get in there than they were anywhere else I had seen. It was a one in one out policy by the looks of it. People were obviously determined to get their last little reminder of London 2012no matter how long they had to stand there waiting.

At around 18:30 I decided to go in to the stadium. I took my time making sure I took mental snap shots of everything. I wandered over to Bridge A and looked up at the imposing structure in front of me. This was it. I had a look at the shops surrounding the stadium whilst keeping an eye out for section number 219. I went over to a London 2012 stall which was not that busy in comparison with the shop and bought some Team GB sweatbands. At £4 I think it was a small price to pay for my little bit of memorabilia. 219 was in front of me and so I went over and started to walk up the steps. I could see a glimpse of the inside and as I placed my foot on the last step and the arena opened up to me I was awestruck. Wow. The Gamesmaker pointed to my seat but I was too busy taking pictures. I certainly did not want to forget this. I went and took my place and just stared with my jaw solidly on the floor. The view was spectacular. Right next to me was an opening and there it was, the flame. For a little while I did wonder if I was actually there and this wasn't some crazy dream but I was, I was in the Olympic Stadium, finally.

As darkness descended the place filled up pretty quickly. I can't begin what it feels like to be surrounded by 80,000 people. The couple next to me were lovely but the bloke on the other side of me was just on a mission to get pissed. The pre show started and I had no idea what the hell was going on. It was really bizarre then it all became clear when they raised an inflatable Agitos symbol. That's a lie, it still made no sense. Then they announced the athletes entry into the stadium. This seemed to take forever and I remember at least two calls for them to take their seats. For most of the show I had no idea what was going on. You must remember I didn't have the tv commentary explaining everything so I just sat there amazed and perplexed. It was great being next to the opening because a lot of the performers came out from there so I could get a sneak preview of what was next. When the little car chugged its way around the arena I had no idea that Prince Edward was in there. I obviously wasn't listening. There was just so much to look at and take in. Standing up and singing the national anthem with 80,000 was just unbelievable. Down below me were the Russian team amongst others and I kind of kept half an eye on what was going on down there whilst looking at what was going on and looking at the crowd, the performers coming out and the amazing light show going around the arena. I don't care what anyone says but Coldplay were fantastic. Yes it did turn into a bit of a Coldplay gig but it was still amazing. The moment that makes me laugh and made me laugh at the time was when I saw the boat below me getting ready for whatever it was going to do next. On the deck was a woman with short dark hair in bright orange. I decided to take a picture of this bright orange woman on the boat thinking she was just another performer. Yea, i'd totally missed the fact Rihanna was right in front of me. Such an idiot. After her performance she ran from the stage towards one of the exits with the biggest entourage and covered her head up in the process. What? Why not let the athletes and fans get a picture? Eventually she came back out and I'd noticed this chair being prepared just in front of the flame, guess who it was for? I have some very good shots of the back of Rihannas head.

Everybody was singing along and they even had the words on some of the tv screens around the stadium. The show was pretty weird mainly because I had no idea what was happening but the imagination behind it was brilliant. I remember when Boris Johnson came out to hand the flag over he got the biggest cheer from the crowd. Not as big as when Seb Coe thanked the Gamesmakers and volunteers, the whole stadium were on their feet applauding. We had to stand for the Olympic anthem which I thought sounded like it was the intro to an 80's soap opera. It is pretty dire for an anthem. Standing for the Brazilian anthem was a bit weird as well mainly because I'm not Brazilian but I did as was instructed. When the flame was extinguished there was a general feeling of disappointment. Being right next to it I was in a perfect position when it began to open up. Not to mention getting to see Jonnie Peacock and Ellie Symonds. I think the disappointment came over on the tv but the boo didn't sound half as loud as actually hearing it.

I just cannot get across how spectacular that stadium was. The performers on the ground, the light show flying around, the smells and the music. At one point I thought I was at a massive rave. None of it comes across properly on the tv. The fireworks at the end were dazzling, absolutely breath taking. Seeing it on the tv gives me a better perspective on just how amazing they were but nothing can replace being in that stadium and hearing the constant banging and looking up at them from below. I was also surprised at just how small the inside of the stadium is with regards to the floor space. I expected this huge expanse but it was tiny. This makes me think how even more spectacular the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics must have been with towers being raised etc. In my pictures everything looks far away but it really wasn't. It just shows how deceptive tv pictures are with regards to perspective. To be honest I was gutted when it ended. I'm sure many more would quite happily have sat there all night. There were loads of Mexican waves going around the stadium and it was a delight to participate. I don't think I've seen any on that scale but it just shows the general mood of everybody that was there. At one point there were two going round in opposite directions which was fantastic to watch.

Getting out of the stadium/park you would have thought would be a nightmare what with 80,000 others also leaving. I left my seat, walked down the steps and followed the crowd towards Stratford tube. On the way everyone was high fiving the Gamesmakers. At points the Gamesmakers were all in a line and people went high fiving them down the line and so many people took the time to thank them. We got to the Westfield and wandered through a bit I hadn't seen which had a mini stuck to the wall. We walked down some steps and through down to the platform. There was a train there but it was about to leave. I stood there for about a minute and another came. It must have taken 10 minutes, if that, to get from my seat and on to the tube. 22 minutes later I sat waiting for the bus which was half an hour late. I was very impressed with the speed at which they were clearing the park not so much with my late bus. I eventually got home at 02:30 but it was worth it.

Like I said at the beginning, a once in a lifetime experience.

Hobby

Throughout the years I have had many hobbies but lately I have found myself without one. Maybe due to the demands of work I just haven't had the time or the inclination to do anything else. I find myself in a position now where I have time on my hands and not enough things to fill it with. So I decided to find myself a new hobby.

This sounds simple enough, find something you like doing and do it a bit more often than you used to. The trouble is trying to find something that you will like doing and not get bored. I have a notoriously short attention span with regards to the duration a hobby lasts. Example, my stepbrother and I both bought identical Airfix kits and had a competition to see who could complete the kit in the shortest time but with the best precision. For the duration of the task I was completely immersed in achieving the goal and nothing could sway my focus. It was great fun so we bought another but this time it wasn't as entertaining and my precision lessened. I think this lasted about two weeks before I got bored. What began as a fun activity turned into a time consuming chore.

Another hobby I tried was scrap booking but again this lasted a short period of time. I think I managed to create three completed pages in an entire album. I still have all the bits and bobs but I have absolutely no interest in filling the remainder of the album. I have a bookcase full of books, some half read and others I haven't even touched other than to place them on the shelf. Comedy writing was another short lived pastime. I have a notepad somewhere with finished and unfinished sketches with ideas scribbled down waiting for me to complete them. Poetry was an interest once upon a time as was walking. I have collected various different things from stamps when I was younger to Formula 1 memorabilia more recently.

All of these things have been a hobby at some point in my life. I can't explain why I get bored so easily. When I start something all of my energy and attention is focused onto that one thing almost obsessively. Maybe I pour everything I have into it too quickly? Do I need to tone down my initial enthusiasm? Nothing seems to keep me interested for very long. It's almost as though once I have achieved something I need something else then something else. A kind of been there and done that thing, mission accomplished.

After wandering through the never ending suggestion lists on the interweb I decided that I would try painting. Yes I have a sketch book with drawings and watercolours in there. So I have attempted to do this before but this time I'm going to really try and keep it up. The other thing I enjoy doing is photography. So I might try to get involved with that a bit more. I don't know how long this will last but I really feel I should be doing something productive with my time rather than idling it away. Plus I hope the painting will help with the dexterity of my hand. In reality I know this sudden burst of creativity will only last a short period, it always does.

Olympic Torch Relay

So on the 9th July 2012 the Olympic flame passed through Oxfordshire. My friend and I decided to mark this occasion by going to Blenheim Palace. What better backdrop to watch this once in a lifetime opportunity. We got there at about 11:30 as we wanted to go inside the Palace and have a wander around the grounds. There was nobody there really just a few tourists. The red carpet was laid and they were doing the sound tests. The torch wasn't due to arrive at the Palace until 15:55. When we got back to the main courtyard about two hours before it was due there was a definite increase in numbers.

About 1.5 hours before the torch arrived we went to pick our spot. Right by the steps to the Palace opposite the red carpet and of course at the front. As time went on more and more people arrived and eventually it was absolutely packed. We had no idea what Woodstock was like but seeing the news it was clear that it thousands of people had turned up to line the route of the torch. We were in our own little bubble inside the Palace grounds. We were handed the lyrics to Land of Hope and Glory and a flag.

Eventually we could hear cheers and looking up the courtyard we could see a person in white running down towards the Palace. It was here! It seemed to take an age for the runner to make it down to the steps. In reality it probably didn't take that long at all. She ran up the steps and it was here that the next runner put her torch to the flame and did the 'kiss'. We obviously got to see the now famous police officers escorting the flame in their grey track suits. The Duke of Marlborough made a speech and did three cheers then other 'important' people made their speeches. I was looking around taking it all in and notice that the police officers had two lanterns with them carrying the spare flame. Then came the moment for us to sing as the flame carried on its journey. The next torch bearer made her way slowly as the crowd sung. I would have but I didn't know the words and I was crouched on the floor so people behind me could see. My friend was stood up with the lyrics, that was my excuse anyway.

I didn't see any other VIPs but I did spot Douglas Hurd the former MP. The Prime Minister was apparently around but I didn't see him.

At the same time as feeling very privileged to have been in the position to see the Olympic flame in such amazing surroundings I feel it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. I don't really know what I expected to feel but I wasn't overwhelmed by the whole thing. Of course it is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am pleased I was able to witness it. It definitely will be a story to tell when I am in my twilight years.

What it feels like to be intubated

I had my operation on the 13th May and it all went well. It took me hours to come around from the anaesthetic but apart from that it was ok. One thing that was a little distressing was being conscious when they took the breathing tube out. It was a LMA (laryngeal mask airway) rather than an ET tube (endotrachial tube). ET tubes enter the windpipe whereas LMAs don't. Even so it wasn't a nice experience and out of the four operations I've had this was the first time I remembered them taking the tube out. I was only meant to be in hospital overnight but due to a minor complication I had to stay in a little longer. The problem was retention which is known post anaesthesia but uncommon in females apparently. Let's put it this way I will have a greater respect for any of my patients that have or require a catheter. Apart from the embarrassment of having it inserted you have to think about every movement because believe me you do not want to tug on one of those! How people pull them out with the balloon inflated is beyond me. Two days after my operation was when it really kicked off. I only know what I've been told of the Friday and what happened after I regained consciousness. At 07:30 I was found with a GCS of 3. For anyone unfamiliar that is completely unresponsive to anything. Normal functioning people have a GCS of 15. The doctors did sternal rubs which are incredibly painful and for days after I had a bruised chest. Nothing. The patient opposite said it was quite scary seeing me in this situation. The doctors didn't know what was going on and were escalating it up the ranks. Eventually I was taken to HDU (high dependency unit) where the decision was made to intubate me (put me on a ventilator). I was transferred via ambulance to A&E resus at another hospital, had a CT scan of my head to make sure there was no bleed and taken to intensive care. It freaks me out that all this happened and I have absolutely no recollection of any of this. My first memory was hearing voices and the feeling that something was in my mouth. One of the first thing I remember hearing was 'Are we going to have to cut her pyjamas off?'. I can't really remember seeing anything until I was extubated (tube taken out) and on oxygen. I vaguely remember my friends being there but not much else. I obviously started to get agitated as the staff kept telling me I was ok and that I was in ICU. As I became more aware I felt a need to breathe but I couldn't. At regular intervals my chest filled with a pressure which felt so awful. I realised I was intubated and on a ventilator. The pressure I was feeling in my chest was my lungs filling with oxygen. The more awake I became the more agitated I got and I remember bringing my left arm up towards my face but was repeatedly knocked back down by the nurses. Even though the ventilator was breathing for me I felt like I was suffocating because my natural breathing reflex was again present but there was a tube blocking my airway preventing me from taking my own breaths. If I thought that was hideous it was nothing compared to what came next, suctioning. The nurse passed the suction catheter down the ET tube and as soon as it touched my windpipe it triggered a coughing/gagging reflex. Of course I couldn't cough and the feeling was horrendous. In between the awful feeling of the suctioning there would be the pressure of oxygen being forced into my lungs. Being so out of control was almost unbearable and created a sense of panic. Not only had I woken up in a completely different ward in a completely different hospital, I had woken up intubated. Despite the reassurances of the staff telling me it was alright it really didn't feel like it. When the moment came for them to extubate it felt like such a relief. It was terrible feeling the ET tube being pulled from my windpipe, it felt like it would never stop. Then more suctioning but this time with a Yankeur and a great deal of coughing. To take breaths myself and be back in control was, well, I can't describe it. I just can't describe how it felt to have my lungs fill but to not be breathing. I couldn't work out what the intense pressure was to begin with. It was almost like the sensation you get when you wretch before vomiting. An involuntary reflex, which it was essentially, but it wasn't my stomach contracting. A short sharp burst of pressure rather than a natural slow inhalation. Of course I couldn't speak after the trauma of being intubated. It took days for my voice to return to normal. I am incredibly grateful for everything that was done to help me but it truly was one of the most distressing experiences of my life. I woke up with an arterial line and four large bore cannulas attached to various things. I still have the marks from where they were inserted three weeks on. They must have dug around a lot to find the artery in my wrist because it took nearly two weeks for the pain to subside. Fortunately it was only a short stay in ICU and I was transferred back to the hospital I came from to the relief of the patient opposite me. She was just glad to see I was ok. I'm used to emergency situations (dealing with them as opposed to being the cause of them) so I couldn't really appreciate how terrifying it must be for other patients witnessing something like that. I total I was in hospital for 10 days and I must say the majority of the time I was treated very well. I had my stroppy moments but I think it was frustration. It was difficult trying to remain a patient and not to put my nurses hat on and occasionally I would turn nurse but I think it's unavoidable when you are in this situation. One thing I am sure of is that this will make me a better nurse. I have experienced things that nurses don't normally experience. I've felt things that nurse don't normally experience. Nobody knows the reason for my what was essentially a coma. I have my theory but it will remain just one of those things.

New start

A lot has happened since I last posted. I feel a lot better for a start. The beginning of the year was difficult and I felt things I never thought I would feel. Thankfully I have got through it pretty much intact. I still have moments when I feel a bit wobbly but I guess that is only natural. The important thing is that I feel more like me than I have for a long time. That was something that I had lost and I never thought I would get it back. It took some time but I'm back and slightly madder than ever. So what's this new start? Well I have to have another operation on my wrist. Third time lucky. I hope this is an end to two years of pain. I'll be honest, I am nervous and I am slightly worried it won't work but the surgeon seems pretty confident he can fix it once and for all so I need to put my trust in him. Once I have recovered from that I will have a new job to go to. From randomly applying for it when I was in Brunei not expecting to hear anything I am now on the verge of handing my notice in at my current job. It is strange how this world works. In a matter of months I have gone from the depths of despair to a whole new and exciting future ahead of me. I know I have moaned about my current job quite a lot over the past year but I will miss it. Perhaps not everything but there are definitely aspects of it that I will. Most of all I will miss the lovely people I have been fortunate to work with in my time there. This last week there have been plenty of tears. Saying goodbye is never easy. I will miss the banter most of all. I know everyone keeps saying once I get to know people in my new job there will be banter but it just won't be the same. The hardest thing is going to be leaving my comfort zone. This is something I have to do though. I can try it and if I don't like it I can get another job. If I don't then I may never get the chance again. I need to spread my wings and fly the nest no matter how scary it seems.

Feeling weird

To be perfectly honest at the minute i'm feeling a little weird. It's almost like my brain is hyperactive. The odd thing is that there is nothing filling my mind. The only way i can describe it is to imagine turning a bicycle upside down and spinning the wheel. It's moving really fast but with no purpose. That's what my mind feels like. Normally when my brain is like this it is full of ideas and thoughts. I'm really struggling to concentrate through the nothingness. It's not just my brain that feels nothing. My whole self seems to feel nothing. I can't seem to get angry or sad even when there is reason to. I don't really understand what is happening. Where have all my emotions gone? Why have they gone? Is it that i'm taking a break from feeling anything after all that has happened? This is all so strange. This is nothing like i've ever felt before. Somebody told me that it is perfectly normal but it doesn't feel normal. Is it some sort of detachment? There is no darkness and no light just a kind of limbo. I don't feel depressed but i don't feel happy. To quote Little Fish lyrics: You feel nothing but you're not dead yet. It sometimes feels like there is a huge ball of energy in my chest that is going to explode. It makes me feel an urge to do something completely random. Something i wouldn't normally do. I don't know if this all stems from facing up to what has happened the other day or if i felt like this before. Having to answer questions about how i felt and wanting to lie to make it seem like things weren't that bad. I didn't lie i told the truth. I had to face the fact i wanted to do some pretty stupid things. Did i make an attempt to take my life? Apparently not because i stopped myself but i started with the intention of doing so. You have to feel pretty crappy to do something like that. These are the sort of things i distanced myself from and it was like being hit by a lorry opening up about it all. Is that why i feel how i do, some sort of self preservation? If i don't feel anything then nothing like that can happen again.

Brighter

Today was my first day back at work since i first vanished two months ago. It went well. I was obviously nervous but i shouldn't have been. Everybody was lovely. I have been dreading this day for some time as i knew it was coming. What if people ask questions? Easy, lie or change the subject. Sometimes you don't want everyone knowing everything. I don't want to feel like i'm being watched all of the time. It kind of feels like that anyway but it would be even more so if colleagues knew exactly what had gone on. It's a need to know basis and nobody else needs to know.

A week ago i started taking a vitamin B complex and 5-HTP. I'm not really into complementary therapies but when you have run out of options anything is worth a try. I decided it to give it a go when i was in the midst of a dark phase. What's the worst that can happen? It has been about a week and i must admit i do feel brighter. What i don't know is why. Would i have felt better anyway or is it to do with the supplements? If i were to stop them how would i know if i were to go into another dark phase that it was due to stopping them. It could just be a coincidence. Or is it just the placebo effect? By taking something is it making me think that it is helping? Unfortunately it is something that i will never get the answer to. I just have to be grateful that at the minute things are looking a lot better.

It is a long time since all of this started and i'm pleased that it seems to be coming to an end. To be honest i'm not really bothered about the how and why. The mere fact that things are brighter is the important thing. I do worry though, if i were to stop the supplements would it come back? If it did would it be because i had stopped it or again would it be psychological, so to speak? How long do i take these things for? When i finally feel like me again do i stop or do i just keep taking them? So many questions. I guess the only way to find out is to cross that bridge when i come to it.

Selfish

How are you feeling? This question was put to me today. I didn't say the polite answer of I'm fine. Instead I answered truthfully by saying that I wasn't fine. The response was to tell me to be grateful for being alive because some people don't have that choice. I am fully aware of that. It is very sad when people find themselves in a situation where they no longer have the choice of living. Does this make me selfish for feeling how I do? I have a choice. I can feel happy and be grateful for having what I have or I can feel down and wish things were different. I don't choose to feel how I feel despite people repeatedly telling me that they are just thoughts and you can change them. Who would want to feel like crap? Do people honestly think if I had the choice I would choose to feel like I do at the minute? No is the simple answer.

I saw the doctor for the last time today. Part of me is relieved because I couldn't see what it was achieving. Part of me feels like I've been left in limbo. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? We talked about my time away. Yes it was fantastic and no my feelings didn't change. I still don't feel like myself. Will I ever feel like myself? We talked about how hard it must be to have my best friend on the other side of the world. Yes it is. It hurts like hell when either of us leaves because she has been such an important part of my life for so long. From having somebody around all of the time to not at all is horrible. Yes we can still talk but it's just not the same. I know I annoy her sometimes. I don't mean to but it happens. I said something stupid to her today which I now regret. So it would be better if I wasn't me? What sort of question is that? A stupid one. It was one caused by frustration. Frustration with myself.

Sometimes I think that people would be better off without me around. I don't mean harming myself I just mean by removing myself from their worlds. Maybe they would be happier without me being in their lives. It's tiring for me to have roller coaster like emotions but I didn't or don't really appreciate how it affects those around me. Does this make me selfish too?

I'm so tired of feeling like this and I don't know what to do about it. It's like there is a wall blocking my path and I don't know how to break it down. I tried asking for help and that has led nowhere. What has been achieved? Nothing. My friend told me I'm really negative and yes I can see that reading this back. That is how I feel though, negative. I need to try and find how to change things into a positive. How?

Talking

Trying to explain how you feel is so hard. I talked to one of my friends about everything that has happened. How do you explain to someone who has never experienced something how it feels? They will never truly understand. Apparently I am still me. It obviously appears that way on the outside but it doesn't feel like that on the inside. How can you be two people? Is it just a mask? A sort of self preservation by your body. By coming across as fine on the outside means nobody will ask questions.

I'm worried about this week and next week if I'm honest. I've been away from home for nearly a month and on Saturday I will be making the dreaded journey home. At the moment I feel ok. My days have been busy and filled with lots of exciting things. The minute I set foot in the airport I know it will be over. This was never an adventure holiday, it was an escape and I have escaped but now I have to face reality. I have to face all of the things I left behind, all of the things I don't want to face. Am I just being a coward or is it fear? What will happen next? Will it all be fine? Am I scared of the fight or am I scared of what the fight will uncover?

One thing is certain, I am scared.

I don't want to return to where I was. That was the single most terrifying experience of my life. I don't want to feel like I did. The only person that can change it is me. I may need some help but ultimately it will be down to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do it. I have to find it though. There is still so much I want to do and see. I'm never going to be one of those people that finds the positive in everything. I am not that sort of person. I can however learn to find the positives in most things. I am always going to find negatives because I am a cautious person but it is just a matter of limiting them to when it is necessary.

I need to find out who I am. I feel like I'm in limbo. Until I do that I'm not sure I can move on and be me. I know that some people possibly won't accept me if I tell them what I do know about me. Maybe that is part of the reason I am in this mess. I worry about what people think of me too much and I try to please them. Maybe it's time I did things for myself rather than others.

Indifferent

I don't know if it's because i've not been feeling 100% but i feel like i can't be bothered. I could quite happily curl up somewhere. I feel a darkness coming over me. I shouldn't. I'm in a beautiful country with my best friend. The sun shines every day, it's hot, it's most peoples dream. Why do i feel like this? Talking to people is becoming increasingly harder. Everything is becoming harder. I feel indifferent.

My thoughts have been turning towards my departure. It's two weeks away. Two weeks of what should be amazing adventure. Why is my mind preoccupied with my return home? Is it because i don't want to? Is it trying to prepare me for what is to come? I have been here for two weeks but it feels like a lifetime. I have thought about work too. What do people think? I disappeared from the face of the earth as far as my colleagues are concerned. What will it be like going back? Will i be able to cope? Right now it sends me in to a slight panic just thinking about it. Will they judge me? If they don't know why i'm off how can they judge me? What's it going to be like being back in my house, alone? I'm so used to having someone around to talk to now. I'll be going home to nothing.

Is my change in mood due to the thought of returning home? I would say partially. I have my happy moments when i feel like me. They are usually brief. Am i going going to have happy moments when i get home? Why would i? There's nothing happy about being there.

Brighter day

This last week I've really felt like I've been going downhill and rapidly. I've been struggling. In all honesty I have felt like going home. I don't know what to do to make things better. I don't know what anyone else can do to make things better. Today was different. I was given an opportunity and I embraced it. I got to experience a whole new way of working with a completely different group of patients. I even got to get hands on which was great. The whole experience was fantastic and it made me feel great. It reignited the fire in me. Talking to other people from different cultures about how they live and work was eye opening. It made me realise that I'm not stuck and that there are plenty of opportunities out there, I just need to find them and take them.

This experience has by no means cured me or fixed the problem but it made me think in a more positive light. That is the problem sometimes, feeling positive. It's easy for people to say just be positive but when you feel like I have felt it seems almost impossible. It just takes little moments like this that make me feel that actually not everything is as dark as it seems. I can see a sliver of light and if I keep searching I will find the source. I don't know how long it is going to take to find this elusive light but I will keep looking, I have to.

Today has been good and I hope for more days like this. The pessimist in me is expecting something rubbish to come along, it always does. Well it always seems to so why should I expect anything different. For now I'll try to be happy with the good that came from today.

Difficult

Sometimes it's really difficult to say what you feel. I don't know if it's just general tiredness or tiredness from having to cope with a mentally challenging situation. I have been struggling with small groups and to be honest even being around individual people. Tonight i was thrust into a situation which involved a house full of people who i didn't know. It's not that long ago that i couldn't even leave the house. I know i've been on a plane since then but you're in your own little bubble. It's not the same as having to make conversation with complete strangers.

Maybe i could have dealt with wanting to leave better but i was exhausted. I was almost in tears. I had reached my limit and that was that, i just needed to be on my own. Is that selfish?

Some days i feel ok but occasionally i have these blips. I just want to hide away. That was the whole reason i left home, to get away from everything. I'm scared that the old feelings are coming back. I don't want to feel as bad as i did and i'm really trying not to but it's so hard. When you feel like crap inside trying to be happy on the outside becomes exhausting. I feel like i have to be happy here but truthfully i'm not. It's great being with my friend but at the same time i feel a burden. I don't want that. I don't want any of this.

It feels strange

In my mind I'm not meant to be in Brunei for another couple of weeks so it feels a bit strange being here. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased I am but something doesn't feel right. Well I'm not right. Maybe that's the problem. I never thought that all my problems would magic in to thin air. That would be completely unrealistic.

Yesterday was quite busy so I didn't have much time to think. The best decision was going for a walk at a place called Bukit Shahbandar. It is essentially numerous trails through the jungle. The fresh air and exercise no doubt did me some good but it was looking out at the views that blew me away. I don't think I will ever tire of seeing what is basically a bunch of trees. The person I was with said that we were in the jungle in Borneo and when you put it that way it kind of gives it a whole new meaning. Not only does it realise just where you are but it makes you forget. It might only be for a short time but for however long it lasts you are normal again. That is such a good feeling.

The only real blip I've had in the last couple of days was yesterday. My friend put a film on called Premonition. I found it really difficult to watch at times. I couldn't explain to my friend why. Some of the scenes in the film just reignited the memories of a few weeks ago. It was difficult hearing some of the conversation for the exact same reason. I felt uncomfortable. Up until that point I hadn't really thought about any of what had happened apart from a brief conversation I had. Seeing it happen in front of my own eyes brought it all back. I know that films are films and exaggerate things but seeing similar things happen to someone else was hard. It is like I had distanced myself from it all partly by flying halfway around the world. This just made it real again.

I guess there are always going to be things that will remind me. None of this will ever go away. It will however get easier.

Running away?

I met with a friend the other day who i haven't seen for two weeks. She said that i seemed better. I guess that is a good thing. I don't feel better inside though. It was impossible for me to keep how i felt concealed but now i am finding i am more able to do so. I probably shouldn't, it's what got me into this mess in the first place. It's been so long that i sort of feel like i should be better by now. Maybe that is why i am trying to show that i am better? Is it more damaging in the long term? Have i actually accepted that there is a problem? It seems like i haven't if i am trying to hide it. Or am i hiding it due to shame? I guess the positive is my brain seems to be functioning again. A couple of weeks ago i could barely process what had happened in the same day. Now i am full of questions.

Anyway my way of dealing with this situation is to jump on a plane. Which i will be doing tomorrow. If spending a month away from this place doesn't work then i don't know what will. I am not running away. I just think that getting away and spending time with friends in a land far away will help me clear my head. It won't be a cure but it might help me feel strong enough to confront this when i get back. That is the plan anyway.

I really hope it works.

Exhausted

Why does my brain insist on staying awake all night? For a month now i have not slept properly. I am so tired. Nothing i seem to do makes any difference. I've tried everything i can think of to try and sleep. Hot baths, hot milky drinks, no caffeine, lavender, going to bed at the same time, sleeping tablets, exercise. You name it i've done it. I don't know if it is because i am subconciously worrying about something or if my body has decided it can get by on just a few hours sleep. Which it can't.

This all started when my problem started a month ago so i assume it is related. I've had problems in the past but nothing on this scale. Usually it goes away after a few days because i am so exhausted. This time is different. To be honest i'm getting to the end of my tether with it. Who want's to wake up at 4am after two hours sleep feeling wide awake? It's not normal.

Most nights i lay there in the dark for hours trying to nod off. I've even tried using a hypnotherapy app on my phone with no success. In desperation one night i sunk a bottle of wine. Now as an occaisional drinker i thought that it would surely knock me out. It didn't. I don't advocate using alcohol to solve problems as it creates a whole new issue but when you are desperate you will try anything. One thing is for sure, i won't be trying that again. Feeling exhausted and hungover is not a good feeling.

I don't really know how to solve this minor issue i am currently experiencing. I do know that it is not helping with my state of mind. One night i did get a decent nights sleep and i felt fantastic when i woke up. It made me feel so different to how i normally feel. I just need that every night. Maybe if i could sort this out it would make me more capable of dealing with the other issues in my life. I don't want to add insomniac to my ever increasing list of troubles.

Hurt

If there is one thing that truely represents how i feel it is the song Hurt by NIN. Although i prefer the Johnny Cash version.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I will find a way

Empty

How can you feel so much but feel so totally empty at the same time?

I would much rather feel a physical pain than this. At least you can take analgesia to lessen it. Nothing seems to make this invisible pain go. It is relentless. It is tiring. My body and my mind are exhausted. Every single day is a battle but i am surviving. Just. I have thought about giving up. So many times i have thought how nice it would be to not feel like this. There's my point. If i did give up i wouldn't get to feel that moment when the rain stops, the clouds part and the sun shines. I want to feel that.

I have to keep fighting. If not for me than for everyone i care about. It will get better. One day i will be me again. I just have to be patient and wait for that day to come. In the meantime i have to try and fill the emptiness.

Tactical withdrawal

It's been a hard few weeks. I'm not entirely certain what has happened. It's all a bit of a blur to be honest. Lets put it this way, i feel better than i did at the start of all of this. Not there yet, not even close. This is why i've decided to make a tactical withdrawal from the world in which i live. Not in a selfish leave the world entirely but in a get away and refresh my body and mind kind of way.

It started with a mini breakdown and i ended up on anti-depressants. I was not entirely keen on the idea but when you're desperate enough you'll try anything. That was when things got bad. I had thoughts of harming myself which i had not had before. I stopped eating and stopped moving. I lay in bed for three days unable to muster the energy or will to leave the comfort and security of my duvet. I honestly thought i was going mad. I'd started having panic attacks for no apparent reason and i'd stopped sleeping. It's been around three weeks now and i'm still not sleeping.

A week after i started the tablets things came to a peak. My friend made me an appointment to see my GP. I went and what followed was utterly terrifying. I was summoned to the local psych hospital. Well more ordered. I insisted on driving and they told me if i wasn't there by a certain time they would call the police to find me and bring me in. What the hell?! Obviously i had no choice and went. I was seen by a Crisis team which consisted of repeating myself over and over again. I can only imagine that is what it is like to be interviewed by the police. Intimidating. I have discovered that there is no worse feeling than trying to convince a complete stranger, who doesn't believe you, that you are not going to take your own life. Fortunately they did believe me.

This was all caused by my honesty with the GP when i told them i had feelings of wanting to harm myself. It turns out it was the medication that was making me feel that way. It was stopped. Apparently it gets worse before the meds start to make you feel better. Who prescribes somebody such a powerful drug knowing that they are rock bottom and that the side effects could make it a whole lot worse? Admittedly i may have had a particularly bad reaction to the drug, uncommon in most but even so. I don't know if it's the drug or lack of sleep or what but my memory of the whole incident is poor at best.

Very few people knew what was happening outside of the services i was seen by. Most of my recollection is from texts i sent to two of my friends. It was quite distressing to read them back. I had no idea what i had written. To be honest it must have been distressing to receive them. For that i am sorry but at the same time i am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that there was somebody there. I honestly do not know what i would have done without them. What i do know is, if the time ever came i would without doubt do the same for either of them.

I chose not to tell my best friend, mainly because she is thousands of miles away and i didn't want to worry her. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I told her in the end and the response was exactly what i didn't want. A feeling of helplessness. I didn't tell her not because i didn't want to but i didn't think it was fair on her. What can you do on the other side of the world? At lot it would seem. Maybe i should've been open in the first place. I have this thing though where i want to protect those around me. The last thing i want is to cause anyone upset. That is why there are still people who probably should know but don't.

Things have improved a little. Now that the nasty drug is out of my system i don't feel like i'm completely losing it. There is still something not quite right. I don't feel like me. My head is filled with a heavy fog that refuses to clear. I have chosen to remove myself from the world. Interacting with people at the moment takes huge energy. I do go out locally, i'm not a complete hermit but even that is tough. There is one thing i have still to do and that is to make the decision, do i tell my family? The only thing that enters my mind is, what you don't know can't hurt you. Would they be better off not knowing? Would they understand? The answer to both those questions is i don't know.

At the minute i can't see an end to this. If there is one it seems very distant. I feel like my batteries are coming to the end of their life. Sluggish, work intermitently, you know what it's like when your remote starts playing up. All i need is some fresh batteries then i'll be me again. Trouble is i can't find any at the moment.