Change.

It's been nearly 6 weeks since I started my new job and moved house. To be honest I've had my moments when I've thought I'd made a huge mistake. I don't know if that is normal but I guess it's natural to have some doubts. Moving to another county away from everyone and everything you know is tough. I miss my old life sometimes but then I think of the new one I have in front of me. I'm still getting to know my new surroundings but so far it is ok. Living next to a main road is a bit noisy but I can sleep through anything. I've had a couple of run ins with downstairs but I try to be patient with them. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to turn their music down when it is making your crockery rattle. I try to keep my noise down to a minimum but I have to admit the last time they had their music loud I found some heavy metal radio station and pumped up the volume. Two wrongs don't make a right but I wanted them to realise how loud their music was. I love my new flat other than that. It wasn't left in a great condition but I've cleaned it up nicely. I have a new futon and wardrobe so I have even more to cart the next time I move. Hopefully that won't be for a while.

As for work I really enjoy it. Obviously there are positives and negatives but there are with anything. The variety you get in the ED is great as it really challenges you especially when you are new to it. I feel more settled now and that I know what I'm doing a lot better. There are still times when I feel the need to ask for advice but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'd rather ask for advice than do something wrong. Emotionally it can be difficult to deal with at times due to the nature of the things some people come in with. I've never had to deal with things like miscarriage, overdose, intoxication, drugs etc. Learning to cope with these things is a continual learning curve as every case is different. I feel like the opportunity I have is an amazing one and I must embrace it. Nursing on a ward is nice in some respects but you just deal with one speciality. It is only when you go to ED or somewhere similar that you have the opportunity to be exposed to every speciality. As I was told recently, an ED nurse is a jack of all trades. This is what makes it so exciting to me as there is so much to learn and I love learning. I have noticed that there is a specific pattern of certain complaints and then you get a spattering of everything else. The other thing that can happen is you get loads of one complaint. For example I had a run of chest pains, I've had a run of trauma and a run of children. This is why I love it though. I definitely made the right decision but it's just taking time to adjust to it.

Now I have settled in at work what I feel I need to do is get out and about. I'm not the most social person and am quite happy with my own company but I think I should make an effort to do something. There's a sports centre near my flat so I may go and investigate but so far it's only been a thought. It's the next thing on my list of things to do though. One thing is for sure and that is I'm glad I took a chance.

Indifferent

I don't know if it's because i've not been feeling 100% but i feel like i can't be bothered. I could quite happily curl up somewhere. I feel a darkness coming over me. I shouldn't. I'm in a beautiful country with my best friend. The sun shines every day, it's hot, it's most peoples dream. Why do i feel like this? Talking to people is becoming increasingly harder. Everything is becoming harder. I feel indifferent.

My thoughts have been turning towards my departure. It's two weeks away. Two weeks of what should be amazing adventure. Why is my mind preoccupied with my return home? Is it because i don't want to? Is it trying to prepare me for what is to come? I have been here for two weeks but it feels like a lifetime. I have thought about work too. What do people think? I disappeared from the face of the earth as far as my colleagues are concerned. What will it be like going back? Will i be able to cope? Right now it sends me in to a slight panic just thinking about it. Will they judge me? If they don't know why i'm off how can they judge me? What's it going to be like being back in my house, alone? I'm so used to having someone around to talk to now. I'll be going home to nothing.

Is my change in mood due to the thought of returning home? I would say partially. I have my happy moments when i feel like me. They are usually brief. Am i going going to have happy moments when i get home? Why would i? There's nothing happy about being there.