Talking

Trying to explain how you feel is so hard. I talked to one of my friends about everything that has happened. How do you explain to someone who has never experienced something how it feels? They will never truly understand. Apparently I am still me. It obviously appears that way on the outside but it doesn't feel like that on the inside. How can you be two people? Is it just a mask? A sort of self preservation by your body. By coming across as fine on the outside means nobody will ask questions.

I'm worried about this week and next week if I'm honest. I've been away from home for nearly a month and on Saturday I will be making the dreaded journey home. At the moment I feel ok. My days have been busy and filled with lots of exciting things. The minute I set foot in the airport I know it will be over. This was never an adventure holiday, it was an escape and I have escaped but now I have to face reality. I have to face all of the things I left behind, all of the things I don't want to face. Am I just being a coward or is it fear? What will happen next? Will it all be fine? Am I scared of the fight or am I scared of what the fight will uncover?

One thing is certain, I am scared.

I don't want to return to where I was. That was the single most terrifying experience of my life. I don't want to feel like I did. The only person that can change it is me. I may need some help but ultimately it will be down to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do it. I have to find it though. There is still so much I want to do and see. I'm never going to be one of those people that finds the positive in everything. I am not that sort of person. I can however learn to find the positives in most things. I am always going to find negatives because I am a cautious person but it is just a matter of limiting them to when it is necessary.

I need to find out who I am. I feel like I'm in limbo. Until I do that I'm not sure I can move on and be me. I know that some people possibly won't accept me if I tell them what I do know about me. Maybe that is part of the reason I am in this mess. I worry about what people think of me too much and I try to please them. Maybe it's time I did things for myself rather than others.

Running away?

I met with a friend the other day who i haven't seen for two weeks. She said that i seemed better. I guess that is a good thing. I don't feel better inside though. It was impossible for me to keep how i felt concealed but now i am finding i am more able to do so. I probably shouldn't, it's what got me into this mess in the first place. It's been so long that i sort of feel like i should be better by now. Maybe that is why i am trying to show that i am better? Is it more damaging in the long term? Have i actually accepted that there is a problem? It seems like i haven't if i am trying to hide it. Or am i hiding it due to shame? I guess the positive is my brain seems to be functioning again. A couple of weeks ago i could barely process what had happened in the same day. Now i am full of questions.

Anyway my way of dealing with this situation is to jump on a plane. Which i will be doing tomorrow. If spending a month away from this place doesn't work then i don't know what will. I am not running away. I just think that getting away and spending time with friends in a land far away will help me clear my head. It won't be a cure but it might help me feel strong enough to confront this when i get back. That is the plan anyway.

I really hope it works.