Tactical withdrawal

It's been a hard few weeks. I'm not entirely certain what has happened. It's all a bit of a blur to be honest. Lets put it this way, i feel better than i did at the start of all of this. Not there yet, not even close. This is why i've decided to make a tactical withdrawal from the world in which i live. Not in a selfish leave the world entirely but in a get away and refresh my body and mind kind of way.

It started with a mini breakdown and i ended up on anti-depressants. I was not entirely keen on the idea but when you're desperate enough you'll try anything. That was when things got bad. I had thoughts of harming myself which i had not had before. I stopped eating and stopped moving. I lay in bed for three days unable to muster the energy or will to leave the comfort and security of my duvet. I honestly thought i was going mad. I'd started having panic attacks for no apparent reason and i'd stopped sleeping. It's been around three weeks now and i'm still not sleeping.

A week after i started the tablets things came to a peak. My friend made me an appointment to see my GP. I went and what followed was utterly terrifying. I was summoned to the local psych hospital. Well more ordered. I insisted on driving and they told me if i wasn't there by a certain time they would call the police to find me and bring me in. What the hell?! Obviously i had no choice and went. I was seen by a Crisis team which consisted of repeating myself over and over again. I can only imagine that is what it is like to be interviewed by the police. Intimidating. I have discovered that there is no worse feeling than trying to convince a complete stranger, who doesn't believe you, that you are not going to take your own life. Fortunately they did believe me.

This was all caused by my honesty with the GP when i told them i had feelings of wanting to harm myself. It turns out it was the medication that was making me feel that way. It was stopped. Apparently it gets worse before the meds start to make you feel better. Who prescribes somebody such a powerful drug knowing that they are rock bottom and that the side effects could make it a whole lot worse? Admittedly i may have had a particularly bad reaction to the drug, uncommon in most but even so. I don't know if it's the drug or lack of sleep or what but my memory of the whole incident is poor at best.

Very few people knew what was happening outside of the services i was seen by. Most of my recollection is from texts i sent to two of my friends. It was quite distressing to read them back. I had no idea what i had written. To be honest it must have been distressing to receive them. For that i am sorry but at the same time i am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that there was somebody there. I honestly do not know what i would have done without them. What i do know is, if the time ever came i would without doubt do the same for either of them.

I chose not to tell my best friend, mainly because she is thousands of miles away and i didn't want to worry her. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I told her in the end and the response was exactly what i didn't want. A feeling of helplessness. I didn't tell her not because i didn't want to but i didn't think it was fair on her. What can you do on the other side of the world? At lot it would seem. Maybe i should've been open in the first place. I have this thing though where i want to protect those around me. The last thing i want is to cause anyone upset. That is why there are still people who probably should know but don't.

Things have improved a little. Now that the nasty drug is out of my system i don't feel like i'm completely losing it. There is still something not quite right. I don't feel like me. My head is filled with a heavy fog that refuses to clear. I have chosen to remove myself from the world. Interacting with people at the moment takes huge energy. I do go out locally, i'm not a complete hermit but even that is tough. There is one thing i have still to do and that is to make the decision, do i tell my family? The only thing that enters my mind is, what you don't know can't hurt you. Would they be better off not knowing? Would they understand? The answer to both those questions is i don't know.

At the minute i can't see an end to this. If there is one it seems very distant. I feel like my batteries are coming to the end of their life. Sluggish, work intermitently, you know what it's like when your remote starts playing up. All i need is some fresh batteries then i'll be me again. Trouble is i can't find any at the moment.