The past hurts

I haven't written on here for a long time. There is a reason for this, I've been keeping a written diary. A recent discovery of old diaries has been somewhat difficult for me of late. Lots of unhappy memories have been stirred and I have discovered forgotten things. It has left me in a bit of a crisis emotionally. It hasn't helped that all of this has been unearthed in a particularly difficult week anyway. It was nice to read what I got up to with my cousin but equally painful. It is 9 years now and it still hurts. The long and short of it is that I have realised there are unresolved issues from my childhood. I didn't grieve when I should have and I didn't accept help when I should have. Obviously as an adult looking back 18 years it is easy to see the issues. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I accept that I didn't cope well but I don't understand and that is what bothers me. Until I can understand my reactions to what happened only then will I be able to find some peace. Some people may ask what the point is of dragging up the past. It is affecting my current life and it will continue to do so until I get some closure. I don't know how I will do that but I will have to find a way if I want to be free from the shackles of my past. How do you fix what is broken if what is broken cannot be fixed?

Difficult

Sometimes it's really difficult to say what you feel. I don't know if it's just general tiredness or tiredness from having to cope with a mentally challenging situation. I have been struggling with small groups and to be honest even being around individual people. Tonight i was thrust into a situation which involved a house full of people who i didn't know. It's not that long ago that i couldn't even leave the house. I know i've been on a plane since then but you're in your own little bubble. It's not the same as having to make conversation with complete strangers.

Maybe i could have dealt with wanting to leave better but i was exhausted. I was almost in tears. I had reached my limit and that was that, i just needed to be on my own. Is that selfish?

Some days i feel ok but occasionally i have these blips. I just want to hide away. That was the whole reason i left home, to get away from everything. I'm scared that the old feelings are coming back. I don't want to feel as bad as i did and i'm really trying not to but it's so hard. When you feel like crap inside trying to be happy on the outside becomes exhausting. I feel like i have to be happy here but truthfully i'm not. It's great being with my friend but at the same time i feel a burden. I don't want that. I don't want any of this.