Feeling weird

To be perfectly honest at the minute i'm feeling a little weird. It's almost like my brain is hyperactive. The odd thing is that there is nothing filling my mind. The only way i can describe it is to imagine turning a bicycle upside down and spinning the wheel. It's moving really fast but with no purpose. That's what my mind feels like. Normally when my brain is like this it is full of ideas and thoughts. I'm really struggling to concentrate through the nothingness. It's not just my brain that feels nothing. My whole self seems to feel nothing. I can't seem to get angry or sad even when there is reason to. I don't really understand what is happening. Where have all my emotions gone? Why have they gone? Is it that i'm taking a break from feeling anything after all that has happened? This is all so strange. This is nothing like i've ever felt before. Somebody told me that it is perfectly normal but it doesn't feel normal. Is it some sort of detachment? There is no darkness and no light just a kind of limbo. I don't feel depressed but i don't feel happy. To quote Little Fish lyrics: You feel nothing but you're not dead yet. It sometimes feels like there is a huge ball of energy in my chest that is going to explode. It makes me feel an urge to do something completely random. Something i wouldn't normally do. I don't know if this all stems from facing up to what has happened the other day or if i felt like this before. Having to answer questions about how i felt and wanting to lie to make it seem like things weren't that bad. I didn't lie i told the truth. I had to face the fact i wanted to do some pretty stupid things. Did i make an attempt to take my life? Apparently not because i stopped myself but i started with the intention of doing so. You have to feel pretty crappy to do something like that. These are the sort of things i distanced myself from and it was like being hit by a lorry opening up about it all. Is that why i feel how i do, some sort of self preservation? If i don't feel anything then nothing like that can happen again.

Brighter

Today was my first day back at work since i first vanished two months ago. It went well. I was obviously nervous but i shouldn't have been. Everybody was lovely. I have been dreading this day for some time as i knew it was coming. What if people ask questions? Easy, lie or change the subject. Sometimes you don't want everyone knowing everything. I don't want to feel like i'm being watched all of the time. It kind of feels like that anyway but it would be even more so if colleagues knew exactly what had gone on. It's a need to know basis and nobody else needs to know.

A week ago i started taking a vitamin B complex and 5-HTP. I'm not really into complementary therapies but when you have run out of options anything is worth a try. I decided it to give it a go when i was in the midst of a dark phase. What's the worst that can happen? It has been about a week and i must admit i do feel brighter. What i don't know is why. Would i have felt better anyway or is it to do with the supplements? If i were to stop them how would i know if i were to go into another dark phase that it was due to stopping them. It could just be a coincidence. Or is it just the placebo effect? By taking something is it making me think that it is helping? Unfortunately it is something that i will never get the answer to. I just have to be grateful that at the minute things are looking a lot better.

It is a long time since all of this started and i'm pleased that it seems to be coming to an end. To be honest i'm not really bothered about the how and why. The mere fact that things are brighter is the important thing. I do worry though, if i were to stop the supplements would it come back? If it did would it be because i had stopped it or again would it be psychological, so to speak? How long do i take these things for? When i finally feel like me again do i stop or do i just keep taking them? So many questions. I guess the only way to find out is to cross that bridge when i come to it.

Talking

Trying to explain how you feel is so hard. I talked to one of my friends about everything that has happened. How do you explain to someone who has never experienced something how it feels? They will never truly understand. Apparently I am still me. It obviously appears that way on the outside but it doesn't feel like that on the inside. How can you be two people? Is it just a mask? A sort of self preservation by your body. By coming across as fine on the outside means nobody will ask questions.

I'm worried about this week and next week if I'm honest. I've been away from home for nearly a month and on Saturday I will be making the dreaded journey home. At the moment I feel ok. My days have been busy and filled with lots of exciting things. The minute I set foot in the airport I know it will be over. This was never an adventure holiday, it was an escape and I have escaped but now I have to face reality. I have to face all of the things I left behind, all of the things I don't want to face. Am I just being a coward or is it fear? What will happen next? Will it all be fine? Am I scared of the fight or am I scared of what the fight will uncover?

One thing is certain, I am scared.

I don't want to return to where I was. That was the single most terrifying experience of my life. I don't want to feel like I did. The only person that can change it is me. I may need some help but ultimately it will be down to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do it. I have to find it though. There is still so much I want to do and see. I'm never going to be one of those people that finds the positive in everything. I am not that sort of person. I can however learn to find the positives in most things. I am always going to find negatives because I am a cautious person but it is just a matter of limiting them to when it is necessary.

I need to find out who I am. I feel like I'm in limbo. Until I do that I'm not sure I can move on and be me. I know that some people possibly won't accept me if I tell them what I do know about me. Maybe that is part of the reason I am in this mess. I worry about what people think of me too much and I try to please them. Maybe it's time I did things for myself rather than others.

Brighter day

This last week I've really felt like I've been going downhill and rapidly. I've been struggling. In all honesty I have felt like going home. I don't know what to do to make things better. I don't know what anyone else can do to make things better. Today was different. I was given an opportunity and I embraced it. I got to experience a whole new way of working with a completely different group of patients. I even got to get hands on which was great. The whole experience was fantastic and it made me feel great. It reignited the fire in me. Talking to other people from different cultures about how they live and work was eye opening. It made me realise that I'm not stuck and that there are plenty of opportunities out there, I just need to find them and take them.

This experience has by no means cured me or fixed the problem but it made me think in a more positive light. That is the problem sometimes, feeling positive. It's easy for people to say just be positive but when you feel like I have felt it seems almost impossible. It just takes little moments like this that make me feel that actually not everything is as dark as it seems. I can see a sliver of light and if I keep searching I will find the source. I don't know how long it is going to take to find this elusive light but I will keep looking, I have to.

Today has been good and I hope for more days like this. The pessimist in me is expecting something rubbish to come along, it always does. Well it always seems to so why should I expect anything different. For now I'll try to be happy with the good that came from today.

Hurt

If there is one thing that truely represents how i feel it is the song Hurt by NIN. Although i prefer the Johnny Cash version.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I will find a way

Empty

How can you feel so much but feel so totally empty at the same time?

I would much rather feel a physical pain than this. At least you can take analgesia to lessen it. Nothing seems to make this invisible pain go. It is relentless. It is tiring. My body and my mind are exhausted. Every single day is a battle but i am surviving. Just. I have thought about giving up. So many times i have thought how nice it would be to not feel like this. There's my point. If i did give up i wouldn't get to feel that moment when the rain stops, the clouds part and the sun shines. I want to feel that.

I have to keep fighting. If not for me than for everyone i care about. It will get better. One day i will be me again. I just have to be patient and wait for that day to come. In the meantime i have to try and fill the emptiness.

Tactical withdrawal

It's been a hard few weeks. I'm not entirely certain what has happened. It's all a bit of a blur to be honest. Lets put it this way, i feel better than i did at the start of all of this. Not there yet, not even close. This is why i've decided to make a tactical withdrawal from the world in which i live. Not in a selfish leave the world entirely but in a get away and refresh my body and mind kind of way.

It started with a mini breakdown and i ended up on anti-depressants. I was not entirely keen on the idea but when you're desperate enough you'll try anything. That was when things got bad. I had thoughts of harming myself which i had not had before. I stopped eating and stopped moving. I lay in bed for three days unable to muster the energy or will to leave the comfort and security of my duvet. I honestly thought i was going mad. I'd started having panic attacks for no apparent reason and i'd stopped sleeping. It's been around three weeks now and i'm still not sleeping.

A week after i started the tablets things came to a peak. My friend made me an appointment to see my GP. I went and what followed was utterly terrifying. I was summoned to the local psych hospital. Well more ordered. I insisted on driving and they told me if i wasn't there by a certain time they would call the police to find me and bring me in. What the hell?! Obviously i had no choice and went. I was seen by a Crisis team which consisted of repeating myself over and over again. I can only imagine that is what it is like to be interviewed by the police. Intimidating. I have discovered that there is no worse feeling than trying to convince a complete stranger, who doesn't believe you, that you are not going to take your own life. Fortunately they did believe me.

This was all caused by my honesty with the GP when i told them i had feelings of wanting to harm myself. It turns out it was the medication that was making me feel that way. It was stopped. Apparently it gets worse before the meds start to make you feel better. Who prescribes somebody such a powerful drug knowing that they are rock bottom and that the side effects could make it a whole lot worse? Admittedly i may have had a particularly bad reaction to the drug, uncommon in most but even so. I don't know if it's the drug or lack of sleep or what but my memory of the whole incident is poor at best.

Very few people knew what was happening outside of the services i was seen by. Most of my recollection is from texts i sent to two of my friends. It was quite distressing to read them back. I had no idea what i had written. To be honest it must have been distressing to receive them. For that i am sorry but at the same time i am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that there was somebody there. I honestly do not know what i would have done without them. What i do know is, if the time ever came i would without doubt do the same for either of them.

I chose not to tell my best friend, mainly because she is thousands of miles away and i didn't want to worry her. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I told her in the end and the response was exactly what i didn't want. A feeling of helplessness. I didn't tell her not because i didn't want to but i didn't think it was fair on her. What can you do on the other side of the world? At lot it would seem. Maybe i should've been open in the first place. I have this thing though where i want to protect those around me. The last thing i want is to cause anyone upset. That is why there are still people who probably should know but don't.

Things have improved a little. Now that the nasty drug is out of my system i don't feel like i'm completely losing it. There is still something not quite right. I don't feel like me. My head is filled with a heavy fog that refuses to clear. I have chosen to remove myself from the world. Interacting with people at the moment takes huge energy. I do go out locally, i'm not a complete hermit but even that is tough. There is one thing i have still to do and that is to make the decision, do i tell my family? The only thing that enters my mind is, what you don't know can't hurt you. Would they be better off not knowing? Would they understand? The answer to both those questions is i don't know.

At the minute i can't see an end to this. If there is one it seems very distant. I feel like my batteries are coming to the end of their life. Sluggish, work intermitently, you know what it's like when your remote starts playing up. All i need is some fresh batteries then i'll be me again. Trouble is i can't find any at the moment.