The past hurts

I haven't written on here for a long time. There is a reason for this, I've been keeping a written diary. A recent discovery of old diaries has been somewhat difficult for me of late. Lots of unhappy memories have been stirred and I have discovered forgotten things. It has left me in a bit of a crisis emotionally. It hasn't helped that all of this has been unearthed in a particularly difficult week anyway. It was nice to read what I got up to with my cousin but equally painful. It is 9 years now and it still hurts. The long and short of it is that I have realised there are unresolved issues from my childhood. I didn't grieve when I should have and I didn't accept help when I should have. Obviously as an adult looking back 18 years it is easy to see the issues. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I accept that I didn't cope well but I don't understand and that is what bothers me. Until I can understand my reactions to what happened only then will I be able to find some peace. Some people may ask what the point is of dragging up the past. It is affecting my current life and it will continue to do so until I get some closure. I don't know how I will do that but I will have to find a way if I want to be free from the shackles of my past. How do you fix what is broken if what is broken cannot be fixed?

Feeling weird

To be perfectly honest at the minute i'm feeling a little weird. It's almost like my brain is hyperactive. The odd thing is that there is nothing filling my mind. The only way i can describe it is to imagine turning a bicycle upside down and spinning the wheel. It's moving really fast but with no purpose. That's what my mind feels like. Normally when my brain is like this it is full of ideas and thoughts. I'm really struggling to concentrate through the nothingness. It's not just my brain that feels nothing. My whole self seems to feel nothing. I can't seem to get angry or sad even when there is reason to. I don't really understand what is happening. Where have all my emotions gone? Why have they gone? Is it that i'm taking a break from feeling anything after all that has happened? This is all so strange. This is nothing like i've ever felt before. Somebody told me that it is perfectly normal but it doesn't feel normal. Is it some sort of detachment? There is no darkness and no light just a kind of limbo. I don't feel depressed but i don't feel happy. To quote Little Fish lyrics: You feel nothing but you're not dead yet. It sometimes feels like there is a huge ball of energy in my chest that is going to explode. It makes me feel an urge to do something completely random. Something i wouldn't normally do. I don't know if this all stems from facing up to what has happened the other day or if i felt like this before. Having to answer questions about how i felt and wanting to lie to make it seem like things weren't that bad. I didn't lie i told the truth. I had to face the fact i wanted to do some pretty stupid things. Did i make an attempt to take my life? Apparently not because i stopped myself but i started with the intention of doing so. You have to feel pretty crappy to do something like that. These are the sort of things i distanced myself from and it was like being hit by a lorry opening up about it all. Is that why i feel how i do, some sort of self preservation? If i don't feel anything then nothing like that can happen again.

Brighter

Today was my first day back at work since i first vanished two months ago. It went well. I was obviously nervous but i shouldn't have been. Everybody was lovely. I have been dreading this day for some time as i knew it was coming. What if people ask questions? Easy, lie or change the subject. Sometimes you don't want everyone knowing everything. I don't want to feel like i'm being watched all of the time. It kind of feels like that anyway but it would be even more so if colleagues knew exactly what had gone on. It's a need to know basis and nobody else needs to know.

A week ago i started taking a vitamin B complex and 5-HTP. I'm not really into complementary therapies but when you have run out of options anything is worth a try. I decided it to give it a go when i was in the midst of a dark phase. What's the worst that can happen? It has been about a week and i must admit i do feel brighter. What i don't know is why. Would i have felt better anyway or is it to do with the supplements? If i were to stop them how would i know if i were to go into another dark phase that it was due to stopping them. It could just be a coincidence. Or is it just the placebo effect? By taking something is it making me think that it is helping? Unfortunately it is something that i will never get the answer to. I just have to be grateful that at the minute things are looking a lot better.

It is a long time since all of this started and i'm pleased that it seems to be coming to an end. To be honest i'm not really bothered about the how and why. The mere fact that things are brighter is the important thing. I do worry though, if i were to stop the supplements would it come back? If it did would it be because i had stopped it or again would it be psychological, so to speak? How long do i take these things for? When i finally feel like me again do i stop or do i just keep taking them? So many questions. I guess the only way to find out is to cross that bridge when i come to it.

Selfish

How are you feeling? This question was put to me today. I didn't say the polite answer of I'm fine. Instead I answered truthfully by saying that I wasn't fine. The response was to tell me to be grateful for being alive because some people don't have that choice. I am fully aware of that. It is very sad when people find themselves in a situation where they no longer have the choice of living. Does this make me selfish for feeling how I do? I have a choice. I can feel happy and be grateful for having what I have or I can feel down and wish things were different. I don't choose to feel how I feel despite people repeatedly telling me that they are just thoughts and you can change them. Who would want to feel like crap? Do people honestly think if I had the choice I would choose to feel like I do at the minute? No is the simple answer.

I saw the doctor for the last time today. Part of me is relieved because I couldn't see what it was achieving. Part of me feels like I've been left in limbo. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? We talked about my time away. Yes it was fantastic and no my feelings didn't change. I still don't feel like myself. Will I ever feel like myself? We talked about how hard it must be to have my best friend on the other side of the world. Yes it is. It hurts like hell when either of us leaves because she has been such an important part of my life for so long. From having somebody around all of the time to not at all is horrible. Yes we can still talk but it's just not the same. I know I annoy her sometimes. I don't mean to but it happens. I said something stupid to her today which I now regret. So it would be better if I wasn't me? What sort of question is that? A stupid one. It was one caused by frustration. Frustration with myself.

Sometimes I think that people would be better off without me around. I don't mean harming myself I just mean by removing myself from their worlds. Maybe they would be happier without me being in their lives. It's tiring for me to have roller coaster like emotions but I didn't or don't really appreciate how it affects those around me. Does this make me selfish too?

I'm so tired of feeling like this and I don't know what to do about it. It's like there is a wall blocking my path and I don't know how to break it down. I tried asking for help and that has led nowhere. What has been achieved? Nothing. My friend told me I'm really negative and yes I can see that reading this back. That is how I feel though, negative. I need to try and find how to change things into a positive. How?

It feels strange

In my mind I'm not meant to be in Brunei for another couple of weeks so it feels a bit strange being here. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased I am but something doesn't feel right. Well I'm not right. Maybe that's the problem. I never thought that all my problems would magic in to thin air. That would be completely unrealistic.

Yesterday was quite busy so I didn't have much time to think. The best decision was going for a walk at a place called Bukit Shahbandar. It is essentially numerous trails through the jungle. The fresh air and exercise no doubt did me some good but it was looking out at the views that blew me away. I don't think I will ever tire of seeing what is basically a bunch of trees. The person I was with said that we were in the jungle in Borneo and when you put it that way it kind of gives it a whole new meaning. Not only does it realise just where you are but it makes you forget. It might only be for a short time but for however long it lasts you are normal again. That is such a good feeling.

The only real blip I've had in the last couple of days was yesterday. My friend put a film on called Premonition. I found it really difficult to watch at times. I couldn't explain to my friend why. Some of the scenes in the film just reignited the memories of a few weeks ago. It was difficult hearing some of the conversation for the exact same reason. I felt uncomfortable. Up until that point I hadn't really thought about any of what had happened apart from a brief conversation I had. Seeing it happen in front of my own eyes brought it all back. I know that films are films and exaggerate things but seeing similar things happen to someone else was hard. It is like I had distanced myself from it all partly by flying halfway around the world. This just made it real again.

I guess there are always going to be things that will remind me. None of this will ever go away. It will however get easier.

Hurt

If there is one thing that truely represents how i feel it is the song Hurt by NIN. Although i prefer the Johnny Cash version.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I will find a way