It's been nearly 6 weeks since I started my new job and moved house. To be honest I've had my moments when I've thought I'd made a huge mistake. I don't know if that is normal but I guess it's natural to have some doubts. Moving to another county away from everyone and everything you know is tough. I miss my old life sometimes but then I think of the new one I have in front of me. I'm still getting to know my new surroundings but so far it is ok. Living next to a main road is a bit noisy but I can sleep through anything. I've had a couple of run ins with downstairs but I try to be patient with them. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to turn their music down when it is making your crockery rattle. I try to keep my noise down to a minimum but I have to admit the last time they had their music loud I found some heavy metal radio station and pumped up the volume. Two wrongs don't make a right but I wanted them to realise how loud their music was. I love my new flat other than that. It wasn't left in a great condition but I've cleaned it up nicely. I have a new futon and wardrobe so I have even more to cart the next time I move. Hopefully that won't be for a while.
As for work I really enjoy it. Obviously there are positives and negatives but there are with anything. The variety you get in the ED is great as it really challenges you especially when you are new to it. I feel more settled now and that I know what I'm doing a lot better. There are still times when I feel the need to ask for advice but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'd rather ask for advice than do something wrong. Emotionally it can be difficult to deal with at times due to the nature of the things some people come in with. I've never had to deal with things like miscarriage, overdose, intoxication, drugs etc. Learning to cope with these things is a continual learning curve as every case is different. I feel like the opportunity I have is an amazing one and I must embrace it. Nursing on a ward is nice in some respects but you just deal with one speciality. It is only when you go to ED or somewhere similar that you have the opportunity to be exposed to every speciality. As I was told recently, an ED nurse is a jack of all trades. This is what makes it so exciting to me as there is so much to learn and I love learning. I have noticed that there is a specific pattern of certain complaints and then you get a spattering of everything else. The other thing that can happen is you get loads of one complaint. For example I had a run of chest pains, I've had a run of trauma and a run of children. This is why I love it though. I definitely made the right decision but it's just taking time to adjust to it.
Now I have settled in at work what I feel I need to do is get out and about. I'm not the most social person and am quite happy with my own company but I think I should make an effort to do something. There's a sports centre near my flat so I may go and investigate but so far it's only been a thought. It's the next thing on my list of things to do though. One thing is for sure and that is I'm glad I took a chance.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Tactical withdrawal
It's been a hard few weeks. I'm not entirely certain what has happened. It's all a bit of a blur to be honest. Lets put it this way, i feel better than i did at the start of all of this. Not there yet, not even close. This is why i've decided to make a tactical withdrawal from the world in which i live. Not in a selfish leave the world entirely but in a get away and refresh my body and mind kind of way.
It started with a mini breakdown and i ended up on anti-depressants. I was not entirely keen on the idea but when you're desperate enough you'll try anything. That was when things got bad. I had thoughts of harming myself which i had not had before. I stopped eating and stopped moving. I lay in bed for three days unable to muster the energy or will to leave the comfort and security of my duvet. I honestly thought i was going mad. I'd started having panic attacks for no apparent reason and i'd stopped sleeping. It's been around three weeks now and i'm still not sleeping.
A week after i started the tablets things came to a peak. My friend made me an appointment to see my GP. I went and what followed was utterly terrifying. I was summoned to the local psych hospital. Well more ordered. I insisted on driving and they told me if i wasn't there by a certain time they would call the police to find me and bring me in. What the hell?! Obviously i had no choice and went. I was seen by a Crisis team which consisted of repeating myself over and over again. I can only imagine that is what it is like to be interviewed by the police. Intimidating. I have discovered that there is no worse feeling than trying to convince a complete stranger, who doesn't believe you, that you are not going to take your own life. Fortunately they did believe me.
This was all caused by my honesty with the GP when i told them i had feelings of wanting to harm myself. It turns out it was the medication that was making me feel that way. It was stopped. Apparently it gets worse before the meds start to make you feel better. Who prescribes somebody such a powerful drug knowing that they are rock bottom and that the side effects could make it a whole lot worse? Admittedly i may have had a particularly bad reaction to the drug, uncommon in most but even so. I don't know if it's the drug or lack of sleep or what but my memory of the whole incident is poor at best.
Very few people knew what was happening outside of the services i was seen by. Most of my recollection is from texts i sent to two of my friends. It was quite distressing to read them back. I had no idea what i had written. To be honest it must have been distressing to receive them. For that i am sorry but at the same time i am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that there was somebody there. I honestly do not know what i would have done without them. What i do know is, if the time ever came i would without doubt do the same for either of them.
I chose not to tell my best friend, mainly because she is thousands of miles away and i didn't want to worry her. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I told her in the end and the response was exactly what i didn't want. A feeling of helplessness. I didn't tell her not because i didn't want to but i didn't think it was fair on her. What can you do on the other side of the world? At lot it would seem. Maybe i should've been open in the first place. I have this thing though where i want to protect those around me. The last thing i want is to cause anyone upset. That is why there are still people who probably should know but don't.
Things have improved a little. Now that the nasty drug is out of my system i don't feel like i'm completely losing it. There is still something not quite right. I don't feel like me. My head is filled with a heavy fog that refuses to clear. I have chosen to remove myself from the world. Interacting with people at the moment takes huge energy. I do go out locally, i'm not a complete hermit but even that is tough. There is one thing i have still to do and that is to make the decision, do i tell my family? The only thing that enters my mind is, what you don't know can't hurt you. Would they be better off not knowing? Would they understand? The answer to both those questions is i don't know.
At the minute i can't see an end to this. If there is one it seems very distant. I feel like my batteries are coming to the end of their life. Sluggish, work intermitently, you know what it's like when your remote starts playing up. All i need is some fresh batteries then i'll be me again. Trouble is i can't find any at the moment.
It started with a mini breakdown and i ended up on anti-depressants. I was not entirely keen on the idea but when you're desperate enough you'll try anything. That was when things got bad. I had thoughts of harming myself which i had not had before. I stopped eating and stopped moving. I lay in bed for three days unable to muster the energy or will to leave the comfort and security of my duvet. I honestly thought i was going mad. I'd started having panic attacks for no apparent reason and i'd stopped sleeping. It's been around three weeks now and i'm still not sleeping.
A week after i started the tablets things came to a peak. My friend made me an appointment to see my GP. I went and what followed was utterly terrifying. I was summoned to the local psych hospital. Well more ordered. I insisted on driving and they told me if i wasn't there by a certain time they would call the police to find me and bring me in. What the hell?! Obviously i had no choice and went. I was seen by a Crisis team which consisted of repeating myself over and over again. I can only imagine that is what it is like to be interviewed by the police. Intimidating. I have discovered that there is no worse feeling than trying to convince a complete stranger, who doesn't believe you, that you are not going to take your own life. Fortunately they did believe me.
This was all caused by my honesty with the GP when i told them i had feelings of wanting to harm myself. It turns out it was the medication that was making me feel that way. It was stopped. Apparently it gets worse before the meds start to make you feel better. Who prescribes somebody such a powerful drug knowing that they are rock bottom and that the side effects could make it a whole lot worse? Admittedly i may have had a particularly bad reaction to the drug, uncommon in most but even so. I don't know if it's the drug or lack of sleep or what but my memory of the whole incident is poor at best.
Very few people knew what was happening outside of the services i was seen by. Most of my recollection is from texts i sent to two of my friends. It was quite distressing to read them back. I had no idea what i had written. To be honest it must have been distressing to receive them. For that i am sorry but at the same time i am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that there was somebody there. I honestly do not know what i would have done without them. What i do know is, if the time ever came i would without doubt do the same for either of them.
I chose not to tell my best friend, mainly because she is thousands of miles away and i didn't want to worry her. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I told her in the end and the response was exactly what i didn't want. A feeling of helplessness. I didn't tell her not because i didn't want to but i didn't think it was fair on her. What can you do on the other side of the world? At lot it would seem. Maybe i should've been open in the first place. I have this thing though where i want to protect those around me. The last thing i want is to cause anyone upset. That is why there are still people who probably should know but don't.
Things have improved a little. Now that the nasty drug is out of my system i don't feel like i'm completely losing it. There is still something not quite right. I don't feel like me. My head is filled with a heavy fog that refuses to clear. I have chosen to remove myself from the world. Interacting with people at the moment takes huge energy. I do go out locally, i'm not a complete hermit but even that is tough. There is one thing i have still to do and that is to make the decision, do i tell my family? The only thing that enters my mind is, what you don't know can't hurt you. Would they be better off not knowing? Would they understand? The answer to both those questions is i don't know.
At the minute i can't see an end to this. If there is one it seems very distant. I feel like my batteries are coming to the end of their life. Sluggish, work intermitently, you know what it's like when your remote starts playing up. All i need is some fresh batteries then i'll be me again. Trouble is i can't find any at the moment.
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