Selfish

How are you feeling? This question was put to me today. I didn't say the polite answer of I'm fine. Instead I answered truthfully by saying that I wasn't fine. The response was to tell me to be grateful for being alive because some people don't have that choice. I am fully aware of that. It is very sad when people find themselves in a situation where they no longer have the choice of living. Does this make me selfish for feeling how I do? I have a choice. I can feel happy and be grateful for having what I have or I can feel down and wish things were different. I don't choose to feel how I feel despite people repeatedly telling me that they are just thoughts and you can change them. Who would want to feel like crap? Do people honestly think if I had the choice I would choose to feel like I do at the minute? No is the simple answer.

I saw the doctor for the last time today. Part of me is relieved because I couldn't see what it was achieving. Part of me feels like I've been left in limbo. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? We talked about my time away. Yes it was fantastic and no my feelings didn't change. I still don't feel like myself. Will I ever feel like myself? We talked about how hard it must be to have my best friend on the other side of the world. Yes it is. It hurts like hell when either of us leaves because she has been such an important part of my life for so long. From having somebody around all of the time to not at all is horrible. Yes we can still talk but it's just not the same. I know I annoy her sometimes. I don't mean to but it happens. I said something stupid to her today which I now regret. So it would be better if I wasn't me? What sort of question is that? A stupid one. It was one caused by frustration. Frustration with myself.

Sometimes I think that people would be better off without me around. I don't mean harming myself I just mean by removing myself from their worlds. Maybe they would be happier without me being in their lives. It's tiring for me to have roller coaster like emotions but I didn't or don't really appreciate how it affects those around me. Does this make me selfish too?

I'm so tired of feeling like this and I don't know what to do about it. It's like there is a wall blocking my path and I don't know how to break it down. I tried asking for help and that has led nowhere. What has been achieved? Nothing. My friend told me I'm really negative and yes I can see that reading this back. That is how I feel though, negative. I need to try and find how to change things into a positive. How?