Talking

Trying to explain how you feel is so hard. I talked to one of my friends about everything that has happened. How do you explain to someone who has never experienced something how it feels? They will never truly understand. Apparently I am still me. It obviously appears that way on the outside but it doesn't feel like that on the inside. How can you be two people? Is it just a mask? A sort of self preservation by your body. By coming across as fine on the outside means nobody will ask questions.

I'm worried about this week and next week if I'm honest. I've been away from home for nearly a month and on Saturday I will be making the dreaded journey home. At the moment I feel ok. My days have been busy and filled with lots of exciting things. The minute I set foot in the airport I know it will be over. This was never an adventure holiday, it was an escape and I have escaped but now I have to face reality. I have to face all of the things I left behind, all of the things I don't want to face. Am I just being a coward or is it fear? What will happen next? Will it all be fine? Am I scared of the fight or am I scared of what the fight will uncover?

One thing is certain, I am scared.

I don't want to return to where I was. That was the single most terrifying experience of my life. I don't want to feel like I did. The only person that can change it is me. I may need some help but ultimately it will be down to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do it. I have to find it though. There is still so much I want to do and see. I'm never going to be one of those people that finds the positive in everything. I am not that sort of person. I can however learn to find the positives in most things. I am always going to find negatives because I am a cautious person but it is just a matter of limiting them to when it is necessary.

I need to find out who I am. I feel like I'm in limbo. Until I do that I'm not sure I can move on and be me. I know that some people possibly won't accept me if I tell them what I do know about me. Maybe that is part of the reason I am in this mess. I worry about what people think of me too much and I try to please them. Maybe it's time I did things for myself rather than others.

Indifferent

I don't know if it's because i've not been feeling 100% but i feel like i can't be bothered. I could quite happily curl up somewhere. I feel a darkness coming over me. I shouldn't. I'm in a beautiful country with my best friend. The sun shines every day, it's hot, it's most peoples dream. Why do i feel like this? Talking to people is becoming increasingly harder. Everything is becoming harder. I feel indifferent.

My thoughts have been turning towards my departure. It's two weeks away. Two weeks of what should be amazing adventure. Why is my mind preoccupied with my return home? Is it because i don't want to? Is it trying to prepare me for what is to come? I have been here for two weeks but it feels like a lifetime. I have thought about work too. What do people think? I disappeared from the face of the earth as far as my colleagues are concerned. What will it be like going back? Will i be able to cope? Right now it sends me in to a slight panic just thinking about it. Will they judge me? If they don't know why i'm off how can they judge me? What's it going to be like being back in my house, alone? I'm so used to having someone around to talk to now. I'll be going home to nothing.

Is my change in mood due to the thought of returning home? I would say partially. I have my happy moments when i feel like me. They are usually brief. Am i going going to have happy moments when i get home? Why would i? There's nothing happy about being there.

Brighter day

This last week I've really felt like I've been going downhill and rapidly. I've been struggling. In all honesty I have felt like going home. I don't know what to do to make things better. I don't know what anyone else can do to make things better. Today was different. I was given an opportunity and I embraced it. I got to experience a whole new way of working with a completely different group of patients. I even got to get hands on which was great. The whole experience was fantastic and it made me feel great. It reignited the fire in me. Talking to other people from different cultures about how they live and work was eye opening. It made me realise that I'm not stuck and that there are plenty of opportunities out there, I just need to find them and take them.

This experience has by no means cured me or fixed the problem but it made me think in a more positive light. That is the problem sometimes, feeling positive. It's easy for people to say just be positive but when you feel like I have felt it seems almost impossible. It just takes little moments like this that make me feel that actually not everything is as dark as it seems. I can see a sliver of light and if I keep searching I will find the source. I don't know how long it is going to take to find this elusive light but I will keep looking, I have to.

Today has been good and I hope for more days like this. The pessimist in me is expecting something rubbish to come along, it always does. Well it always seems to so why should I expect anything different. For now I'll try to be happy with the good that came from today.

Difficult

Sometimes it's really difficult to say what you feel. I don't know if it's just general tiredness or tiredness from having to cope with a mentally challenging situation. I have been struggling with small groups and to be honest even being around individual people. Tonight i was thrust into a situation which involved a house full of people who i didn't know. It's not that long ago that i couldn't even leave the house. I know i've been on a plane since then but you're in your own little bubble. It's not the same as having to make conversation with complete strangers.

Maybe i could have dealt with wanting to leave better but i was exhausted. I was almost in tears. I had reached my limit and that was that, i just needed to be on my own. Is that selfish?

Some days i feel ok but occasionally i have these blips. I just want to hide away. That was the whole reason i left home, to get away from everything. I'm scared that the old feelings are coming back. I don't want to feel as bad as i did and i'm really trying not to but it's so hard. When you feel like crap inside trying to be happy on the outside becomes exhausting. I feel like i have to be happy here but truthfully i'm not. It's great being with my friend but at the same time i feel a burden. I don't want that. I don't want any of this.

It feels strange

In my mind I'm not meant to be in Brunei for another couple of weeks so it feels a bit strange being here. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased I am but something doesn't feel right. Well I'm not right. Maybe that's the problem. I never thought that all my problems would magic in to thin air. That would be completely unrealistic.

Yesterday was quite busy so I didn't have much time to think. The best decision was going for a walk at a place called Bukit Shahbandar. It is essentially numerous trails through the jungle. The fresh air and exercise no doubt did me some good but it was looking out at the views that blew me away. I don't think I will ever tire of seeing what is basically a bunch of trees. The person I was with said that we were in the jungle in Borneo and when you put it that way it kind of gives it a whole new meaning. Not only does it realise just where you are but it makes you forget. It might only be for a short time but for however long it lasts you are normal again. That is such a good feeling.

The only real blip I've had in the last couple of days was yesterday. My friend put a film on called Premonition. I found it really difficult to watch at times. I couldn't explain to my friend why. Some of the scenes in the film just reignited the memories of a few weeks ago. It was difficult hearing some of the conversation for the exact same reason. I felt uncomfortable. Up until that point I hadn't really thought about any of what had happened apart from a brief conversation I had. Seeing it happen in front of my own eyes brought it all back. I know that films are films and exaggerate things but seeing similar things happen to someone else was hard. It is like I had distanced myself from it all partly by flying halfway around the world. This just made it real again.

I guess there are always going to be things that will remind me. None of this will ever go away. It will however get easier.

Running away?

I met with a friend the other day who i haven't seen for two weeks. She said that i seemed better. I guess that is a good thing. I don't feel better inside though. It was impossible for me to keep how i felt concealed but now i am finding i am more able to do so. I probably shouldn't, it's what got me into this mess in the first place. It's been so long that i sort of feel like i should be better by now. Maybe that is why i am trying to show that i am better? Is it more damaging in the long term? Have i actually accepted that there is a problem? It seems like i haven't if i am trying to hide it. Or am i hiding it due to shame? I guess the positive is my brain seems to be functioning again. A couple of weeks ago i could barely process what had happened in the same day. Now i am full of questions.

Anyway my way of dealing with this situation is to jump on a plane. Which i will be doing tomorrow. If spending a month away from this place doesn't work then i don't know what will. I am not running away. I just think that getting away and spending time with friends in a land far away will help me clear my head. It won't be a cure but it might help me feel strong enough to confront this when i get back. That is the plan anyway.

I really hope it works.