This journey started in March when i was temporarily on another planet due to the effects of painkillers. I was on Ebay looking at the Twit relief listings and i bid on Ruby Wax. That is my very limited memory of the incident in question. All i really remember was thinking it would be fine, there was hours to go and i would be out bid. Imagine my part despair, part excitement when it got to half an hour before the end of the auction and i was still the highest bidder. I'm not sure if anyone saw the cost of some of these listings but they weren't cheap hence the despair. I was confident however, as people usually bid on things right into the last seconds so it was fine. That is how i 'won' Ruby Wax.
I 'won' Ruby following me on Twitter for 90 days and the opportunity to go and watch her have Botox. Which is the main reason i bid because Botox has always intrigued me.
Now the Twitter thing instantly made me paranoid. I logged on to my account and furiously started checking my tweets to made sure i hadn't written anything offensive or there wasn't a lot of swearing. What if someone had already checked it to make sure i wasn't some sort of weirdo? Does this mean i have to be interesting? What if i tweet too much? I don't want to fill her timeline up with my pointless thoughts?
Let's get this straight, my brain works by reacting to situations by analysing them to the point of headaches. Questions, questions, questions, scenario upon scenario. I think of every possible outcome and then break it down to it's tiniest detail. Good, bad or whatever. It's like looking at a wall in a police drama when they are trying to solve a murder with everything on the wall linked to each other by coloured lines. When they introduced us to reflective practice at uni i don't think they appreciated just how practiced i was in Gibbs cycle of reflection. Description, feelings, evaluation, analysis, conclusion, action plan. Anyway that is how my brain works and it was doing so excessively at that time.
After some communication i was asked if i had anything i wanted Ruby to retweet so i used the opportunity to whore myself. The only thing i would want anyone to retweet was the link to my Cardiac Risk in the Young blog in the hope i could get some more sponsors. I kind of worked as i had a huge peak in views alas no new sponsors. It was worth a try. My walking has given me focus. Sometimes i think i can't be bothered but then i force myself to stop being so selfish. I'm not walking for myself i'm walking to help others. It gives me time on my own as well. There's is nothing better than sitting in the middle of nowhere listening to birds chatting to each other and the running water of a river. It empties your mind of everything if you let it. Sometimes it doesn't work but it's better than staring at a wall. I do worry what i will do when i've achieved my goal. What will i do to keep myself occupied then? The less i have to do the more i have time to think. Not a good thing.
A few weeks ago i got a disappointing email telling me i couldn't watch Ruby have Botox. I was surprised at just how gutted i was. Another trait of mine is to expect the worst then it's a lovely surprise when it turns out better. I did the opposite and let myself get a little excited at the prospect and of course it led to disappointment. The reason i couldn't go was because the doctor wouldn't allow me in the room. I bristled a little at this because as far as I'm concerned it's the patients choice and if they consent to someone being with them there is no problem. Obviously there are certain situations which are exempt from this but to me this wasn't one of them. I think the tone in my response to that email was obvious to anyone who may of read it. As much as i tried to reign it in i think my frustration came out which i regret to some degree.
I already had one ticket to Losing It and the replacement was another. Forgive me for sounding ungrateful but it didn't blow my mind like what i initially bid for. I had gone from a unique experience to...? Some people told me to make a fuss and try and get something of equal uniqueness. I just thought be grateful for what you've got and stop moaning. This prompted an internal dialogue which mostly consisted of arguing with myself. Arguing with myself is an art i have perfected over the years. Who needs to talk to someone else when you can have a conversation with yourself. I will never forget the time i was sat in the car with my friend asked her a question then spent the next 5 minutes discussing it with myself. I only realised what i was doing when she started laughing. Anyway i chose to be grateful and take the opportunity on offer.
Fast forward a week or so and my friend and i am in London. The whole time before the show i was actually dreading it because i thought it was going to be a total disaster. The show would be terrible, Ruby would either be disinterested or just not speak to me at all and i would inevitably leave feeling disappointed with the whole thing. I don't think it helped that we got lost trying to find the theatre which was my fault. Are you getting the same impression i am of me here? Negative.
The theatre wasn't what i expected. It's not a theatre in the usual sense of the word. This was a small room essentially in the style of an amphitheatre. There were only 10 rows and we were at the back.
The show itself was not what i expected. I don't know what i expected. It was more arty/dramatic than i thought it would be. I'm no reviewer so i don't know the correct words to use. I felt myself being increasing drawn in to what was being said. More worryingly i found myself seeing myself in what was being said. The more Ruby described herself the more i saw parts of myself. It was like a sudden realisation, like a light bulb had just been switched on in my head. That was me. Keeping busy, needing something to focus on, obsessing over things, the negative voices, the questioning voices, the disastrous lows. It's been a long time since i locked myself in my room for numerous days but i do have days where i just don't want to interact with anyone. I do my utmost best to avoid human contact on those days. On the other end of the scale you can't shut me up. I throw myself whole hearted into something and i will not stop until it is finished. My entire being revolves around that one thing.
Things have happened in my past but everyone has a history. I can pinpoint the exact time when my whole world collapsed and i turned into someone else. I remember my friend telling me that i never smiled. I remember considering extreme measures because i couldn't cope anymore and i didn't want to. That has happened a few times but a) i don't have the balls and b) it would be selfish.
Some of the audience members talked about using humour to cope with things. I have always done that. It kind of distances you in a way. If i find myself feeling uncomfortable i revert to humour to help me through. I have a very dry sense of humour and more often than not i have had feedback from people that when they first met me they didn't know how to take me. They don't know if I'm being serious or not.
Any Ruby Wax opened a rather large can of worms that evening. This started my internal Gibbs cycle going off again. Do i have a problem? Should i speak to someone? Am i imagining it? Am i just seeing what i want to see? What would happen if work found out? I spoke to someone at uni and it didn't do anything. It made me feel worse. Was i speaking to the right person? Will i implode eventually? What shall i do? Stop thinking about it. I can't. Stop it. Yea but do people know? Can they see these internal struggles? Would it matter? Yes. Why? They would treat me differently. So you know what to do, say your fine. OK.
We stayed in the bar after the show and Ruby came out and sat with some people. I practically downed a bottle of beer for some dutch courage. I couldn't go up to her so eventually my friend did. I think i did the Diana look and felt really embarrassed especially when Ruby got up and started telling the people who she was sat with who i was. As she was explaining i 'won' a visit to watch her have Botox but i couldn't go i told her i could of done it. She looked at me with surprise and asked if i was a doctor so i told her i was a nurse. Then she asked if i could give Botox so i said no but i need the practice with injections. Apparently it would be OK for me to practice on a model of her face but not her actual face. I found myself apologising to her an awful lot. I think every other word was sorry. I apologised for being too wimpy to speak to her and i apologised for asking for a photo. Ruby asked me if i wanted a book but i didn't hear her so i said the one thing i say that annoys me, what? Then i think i said that would be lovely. The book was already signed but she signed it with a Sharpie and when i said Tracey with an E she said 'Two E's?' So thanks to Ruby i have discovered another way of spelling my name. The photo incident was amusing. My phone was practically thrust into my friends hands. I love the reaction of 'Is that a cassette tape?' when people see my phone cover and Ruby duly obliged. I looked at the photo and was bright red and had numerous chins which i voiced. Ruby told my friend to get on a chair and take the picture from above and then told me i had body dysmorphia. Thanks but i already knew that.
The one thing that really shocked me apart from how short Ruby is was how just how nice she was. I don't mean that in a horrible way. What i mean is that from what i have seen of her on TV is that she comes across as quite brash, very in your face. Am i digging myself a hole yet? Is it time to throw away the shovel and get the JCB? Ruby was so warm and friendly and not as loud as i expected. Also in the show you saw a very vulnerable side which is usually hidden away by celebrities. This is what happens when you have preconceived ideas about someone. They are usually totally wrong. I am so pleased i got to meet her. I don't care that i didn't get to see her having Botox. Rather than Ruby thanking me for bidding on that auction i should be thanking her because what i gained from that one evening means so much more.
Thank you Ruby.
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