Busy busy busy

I have been really busy lately with uni work. This is mainly due to leaving it until the last minute as per usual. It's done though and now i have some more to procratinate over. Nothing will stop me remembering what happened 5 years ago today.

Thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesturday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All i have are memories,
And a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,
With which i'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

Memories.

I love to sit and remember times gone by. Sometimes they are nice memories but occaisionally the bad ones slip in there too. At this time of year i do it more than usual. Only because the one person who should be here now, isn't. I try to imagine what life would be like had hers not been taken far too soon. Of course this is impossible, you just create a vision of what you would've liked it to have been. The hardest thing i find to remember are the secrets i was told. It's nearly 10 years since i was told but there is one specific secret that eats away at my insides. I want to ask her family if they knew but i know if they didn't it would just cause so much heartache. It's like an expanding ball in my chest and it's crushing me. There is a need to release myself of the pressure but who to? Who is to say once i've revealed the secret that it would make me feel any better? It's 5 years since that day, that awful day. It hit me hard and i'm not sure if i'll ever be truely over it. You just learn to cope with it. They say the good die young and never was a truer word spoken.

I have a dream.

We have all done it at some point. Asked that question which sends us off in to a land of dreams. What would you do if you won the lottery? It's then that we reel off a list of things we would buy, things we would do, who we would give money to or not. I have done it many times. I would buy a house and a new car, go on holiday and give some to my chosen charity and family. These i expect are the bog standard initial answers but are what most people would actually do. What do you do after this though? Personally i would follow the F1 season around the world, pay for a ride in a two seater F1 car and a BTCC car if i could. I'm sure there are loads of other things i would do but those are the must do. Of course all this depends on the extent of your fortune. More importantly it depends on that 14 million to 1 stroke of luck that would make these dreams a reality.

There is the alternative way...marry a rich man. No, seriously the alternative way is to work for these goals. If you really want something you have to believe that it is within your reach and that one day you will achieve it. Buying a car, house, giving to charity and going on holiday are all achievable as proved by millions of people every year. As for the others they all come at a price and the question is, are you willing to work to pay that price? You don't have to wait for that unlikely lottery win to be able to do the things you dream of. If they are something that you really want you will go through hell and high water to get them. Everything is within reach if you want it to be. It would be easy to wait for a windfall but how much more satisfying is it when you know how hard you have worked for something. It makes you appreciate it so much more.

Those dreams don't have to be dreams. Still it's nice to wander off in to that magical world where anything is possible with no effort required now and then.

A minor irritation.

There are days when people just get on my nerves. I'm sure i'm not the only one to suffer from this. Stupid questions, silly comments or just something said in the wrong tone of voice seem to be the final thing to push me over the edge. For whatever reason i have peaks and troughs of being generally intolerant of people and more specifically idiots. It happened to me today in fact. The one rule for one and another for everyone else really pissed me off. Normally these silly things would just be batted away with maybe a slight note of irritation registered. Other days i seem to turn into Satan himself. It can be troublesome having such a firey temper, like having to sheepishly face the person you have blown up at because you need their help for example. Sometimes i do wonder if i should see someone about my mood swings which sway dramatically from one extreme to the other. Then i think sod it this is just who i am and if people don't like it then it's their problem. I did used to have a real problem venting my anger and frustration at the appropriate times. These days i seem to have a hold on it although i do have the occasional slip up. Like today but why the hell not? I'm not perfect, i'm human.

Procrastination is a pain in the ass.

Procrastination can be described as putting off or delaying or defering an action to a later time. I seem to do this an awful lot, especially when i have deadlines looming. It is almost as though i get a rush from doing things at the last minute. The amount of times i have had weeks or months to do something but have still left it until the day before. What makes certain people like this? Does it mean i'm lazy?

I have tried writing lists of tasks to do each day or writing lists of tasks in order of urgency. It either works for a day or two or i end up putting things off...again. I have so many things that i need to do at the moment but i just haven't got the motivation to do them. Maybe it is because they are incredibly tedious jobs? The thing is i've learnt in the past that if i keep on top of things they tend to take half the time. Surely this would be a motivating factor to get on with it? Lots of little jobs rather than lots of mammoth jobs.

The saying goes that a leopard can't change it's spots. I seem to be one of those leopards. The ridiculous thing is that i recognise what the problem is and i know how to change it. I just have this inability to actually make the change. I expect there are certain people that would look at this and say that it shows that i do not have the drive and focus to succeed at anything. They would probably be right in some respects. Although when i really want something nothing will stop me from getting it. These 'things' tend to be exciting and different. This points to my inability to cope with the more mundane aspects of my everyday living. If tidying and meeting deadlines was able to ignite the same burning passion then my guess is that procrastination would no longer be my achilles heel. And there we have it, the solution. To beat this hinderance i need to inject something interesting into the monotonous things i have to do. So the task now is to find those interesting things...i'll start tomorrow.