Ruby Wax Losing It

This journey started in March when i was temporarily on another planet due to the effects of painkillers. I was on Ebay looking at the Twit relief listings and i bid on Ruby Wax. That is my very limited memory of the incident in question. All i really remember was thinking it would be fine, there was hours to go and i would be out bid. Imagine my part despair, part excitement when it got to half an hour before the end of the auction and i was still the highest bidder. I'm not sure if anyone saw the cost of some of these listings but they weren't cheap hence the despair. I was confident however, as people usually bid on things right into the last seconds so it was fine. That is how i 'won' Ruby Wax.

I 'won' Ruby following me on Twitter for 90 days and the opportunity to go and watch her have Botox. Which is the main reason i bid because Botox has always intrigued me.

Now the Twitter thing instantly made me paranoid. I logged on to my account and furiously started checking my tweets to made sure i hadn't written anything offensive or there wasn't a lot of swearing. What if someone had already checked it to make sure i wasn't some sort of weirdo? Does this mean i have to be interesting? What if i tweet too much? I don't want to fill her timeline up with my pointless thoughts?

Let's get this straight, my brain works by reacting to situations by analysing them to the point of headaches. Questions, questions, questions, scenario upon scenario. I think of every possible outcome and then break it down to it's tiniest detail. Good, bad or whatever. It's like looking at a wall in a police drama when they are trying to solve a murder with everything on the wall linked to each other by coloured lines. When they introduced us to reflective practice at uni i don't think they appreciated just how practiced i was in Gibbs cycle of reflection. Description, feelings, evaluation, analysis, conclusion, action plan. Anyway that is how my brain works and it was doing so excessively at that time.

After some communication i was asked if i had anything i wanted Ruby to retweet so i used the opportunity to whore myself. The only thing i would want anyone to retweet was the link to my Cardiac Risk in the Young blog in the hope i could get some more sponsors. I kind of worked as i had a huge peak in views alas no new sponsors. It was worth a try. My walking has given me focus. Sometimes i think i can't be bothered but then i force myself to stop being so selfish. I'm not walking for myself i'm walking to help others. It gives me time on my own as well. There's is nothing better than sitting in the middle of nowhere listening to birds chatting to each other and the running water of a river. It empties your mind of everything if you let it. Sometimes it doesn't work but it's better than staring at a wall. I do worry what i will do when i've achieved my goal. What will i do to keep myself occupied then? The less i have to do the more i have time to think. Not a good thing.


A few weeks ago i got a disappointing email telling me i couldn't watch Ruby have Botox. I was surprised at just how gutted i was. Another trait of mine is to expect the worst then it's a lovely surprise when it turns out better. I did the opposite and let myself get a little excited at the prospect and of course it led to disappointment. The reason i couldn't go was because the doctor wouldn't allow me in the room. I bristled a little at this because as far as I'm concerned it's the patients choice and if they consent to someone being with them there is no problem. Obviously there are certain situations which are exempt from this but to me this wasn't one of them. I think the tone in my response to that email was obvious to anyone who may of read it. As much as i tried to reign it in i think my frustration came out which i regret to some degree.

I already had one ticket to Losing It and the replacement was another. Forgive me for sounding ungrateful but it didn't blow my mind like what i initially bid for. I had gone from a unique experience to...? Some people told me to make a fuss and try and get something of equal uniqueness. I just thought be grateful for what you've got and stop moaning. This prompted an internal dialogue which mostly consisted of arguing with myself. Arguing with myself is an art i have perfected over the years. Who needs to talk to someone else when you can have a conversation with yourself. I will never forget the time i was sat in the car with my friend asked her a question then spent the next 5 minutes discussing it with myself. I only realised what i was doing when she started laughing. Anyway i chose to be grateful and take the opportunity on offer.

Fast forward a week or so and my friend and i am in London. The whole time before the show i was actually dreading it because i thought it was going to be a total disaster. The show would be terrible, Ruby would either be disinterested or just not speak to me at all and i would inevitably leave feeling disappointed with the whole thing. I don't think it helped that we got lost trying to find the theatre which was my fault. Are you getting the same impression i am of me here? Negative.

The theatre wasn't what i expected. It's not a theatre in the usual sense of the word. This was a small room essentially in the style of an amphitheatre. There were only 10 rows and we were at the back.

The show itself was not what i expected. I don't know what i expected. It was more arty/dramatic than i thought it would be. I'm no reviewer so i don't know the correct words to use. I felt myself being increasing drawn in to what was being said. More worryingly i found myself seeing myself in what was being said. The more Ruby described herself the more i saw parts of myself. It was like a sudden realisation, like a light bulb had just been switched on in my head. That was me. Keeping busy, needing something to focus on, obsessing over things, the negative voices, the questioning voices, the disastrous lows. It's been a long time since i locked myself in my room for numerous days but i do have days where i just don't want to interact with anyone. I do my utmost best to avoid human contact on those days. On the other end of the scale you can't shut me up. I throw myself whole hearted into something and i will not stop until it is finished. My entire being revolves around that one thing.

Things have happened in my past but everyone has a history. I can pinpoint the exact time when my whole world collapsed and i turned into someone else. I remember my friend telling me that i never smiled. I remember considering extreme measures because i couldn't cope anymore and i didn't want to. That has happened a few times but a) i don't have the balls and b) it would be selfish.

Some of the audience members talked about using humour to cope with things. I have always done that. It kind of distances you in a way. If i find myself feeling uncomfortable i revert to humour to help me through. I have a very dry sense of humour and more often than not i have had feedback from people that when they first met me they didn't know how to take me. They don't know if I'm being serious or not.

Any Ruby Wax opened a rather large can of worms that evening. This started my internal Gibbs cycle going off again. Do i have a problem? Should i speak to someone? Am i imagining it? Am i just seeing what i want to see? What would happen if work found out? I spoke to someone at uni and it didn't do anything. It made me feel worse. Was i speaking to the right person? Will i implode eventually? What shall i do? Stop thinking about it. I can't. Stop it. Yea but do people know? Can they see these internal struggles? Would it matter? Yes. Why? They would treat me differently. So you know what to do, say your fine. OK.

We stayed in the bar after the show and Ruby came out and sat with some people. I practically downed a bottle of beer for some dutch courage. I couldn't go up to her so eventually my friend did. I think i did the Diana look and felt really embarrassed especially when Ruby got up and started telling the people who she was sat with who i was. As she was explaining i 'won' a visit to watch her have Botox but i couldn't go i told her i could of done it. She looked at me with surprise and asked if i was a doctor so i told her i was a nurse. Then she asked if i could give Botox so i said no but i need the practice with injections. Apparently it would be OK for me to practice on a model of her face but not her actual face. I found myself apologising to her an awful lot. I think every other word was sorry. I apologised for being too wimpy to speak to her and i apologised for asking for a photo. Ruby asked me if i wanted a book but i didn't hear her so i said the one thing i say that annoys me, what? Then i think i said that would be lovely. The book was already signed but she signed it with a Sharpie and when i said Tracey with an E she said 'Two E's?' So thanks to Ruby i have discovered another way of spelling my name. The photo incident was amusing. My phone was practically thrust into my friends hands. I love the reaction of 'Is that a cassette tape?' when people see my phone cover and Ruby duly obliged. I looked at the photo and was bright red and had numerous chins which i voiced. Ruby told my friend to get on a chair and take the picture from above and then told me i had body dysmorphia. Thanks but i already knew that.



The one thing that really shocked me apart from how short Ruby is was how just how nice she was. I don't mean that in a horrible way. What i mean is that from what i have seen of her on TV is that she comes across as quite brash, very in your face. Am i digging myself a hole yet? Is it time to throw away the shovel and get the JCB? Ruby was so warm and friendly and not as loud as i expected. Also in the show you saw a very vulnerable side which is usually hidden away by celebrities. This is what happens when you have preconceived ideas about someone. They are usually totally wrong. I am so pleased i got to meet her. I don't care that i didn't get to see her having Botox. Rather than Ruby thanking me for bidding on that auction i should be thanking her because what i gained from that one evening means so much more.



Thank you Ruby.

My first trip to Brands Hatch.

This is totally unbelievable and i can't believe it did actually happen but it did.

31st March 2011

I was on Twitter and Jason Plato (if you don't know who he is then google him) tweeted that he was going to put a competition up at lunch time. Lunch time came and went and eventually there it was. All you had to do was text what number he was going to race with this season. I thought easy, number 1 as he won the championship the previous season. So i got my phone and text which cost me £1.50. The prize was a trip in his helicopter from Brands Hatch and he would personally call the winners. I had entered and that was that, there was no chance i was going to win especially as it was something you could enter multiple times.

1st April 2011

I had had the most awful day which was mostly spent in tears. My whole world seemed to be crumbling around me and there was nothing i could do to stop it. Feeling very down i sat on my bed mulling over what had happened that day with nothing else on my mind. At about half five in the evening my phone started ringing with an unknown number. I had made a few calls that day so i assumed it was somebody replying. I answered the phone and got this response 'Hello Tracey, it's Jason Plato'. He had rung to tell me i was one of the winners of his competition! I was speachless but not enough so i didn't ask him if this was an April Fools joke. Which he said it wasn't, obviously. Then i went into rant mode of 'But i didn't get tickets, i didn't think i was going to win! Can i get one on the day? Do they sell them on the day?'. To be honest i felt sorry for the poor bloke. He was absolutely lovely and patient but after 2 minutes of my shocked rambling he said 'I'd better go i've got to crack on'. I put the phone down in absolute shock, so much so i was shaking. Then came the 'i must tell everybody' moment. Of course most people didn't have a clue what i was on about but then they don't follow the BTCC so that's understandable. Of course i instantly posted my news on Facebook and Twitter which was retweeted by Mr Plato much to my delight. Then people just started congratulating me on Twitter which was so strange but lovely. I could not believe it. I had gone from despair to delight in the space of a few hours, from one extreme to the other.

2nd April 2011

This day was spent trying to work out how the hell to get to Brands Hatch. I had never been to Kent before and never driven on the M25 so was getting a bit OCD about things. I had two satnavs, a map, written instructions and i had memorised every junction of importance. There was no way i was going to get lost. I checked my car filled it up with the various fluids it needed and was set. All i needed now was some sleep. Yeah right.

3rd April 2011

I set of at 7:30am and the roads were pretty clear. The M25 was confusing. 3 lanes, no 5 lanes, no 2 lanes, no 3 lanes is better, no let's have 4, no let's stick with 3. What?! Anyway i negotiated this randomness and got to Brands two hours after i set off. What surprised me was how tiny the circuit was. I've only been to Silverstone and Thruxton so i was a little taken aback. I got there for the first Formula Renault race which was a little dull. The Ginetta Juniors however was good. I was stood near the start of Paddock Hill Bend. You can't believe how steep the bottom of that bend is until you see it! Anyway one of the Ginettas went straight into the wall at the top of Paddock Hill and took out a couple of cars which resulted in a dust shower for us from where the car went into the gravel trap in front of us. The race was red flagged and restarted as it was a pretty nasty crash and totalled the front of the poor lads car. Fortunately he got out of the car seemingly unscathed.

Next up i saw the first BTCC race which was also delayed because someone had a problem and the car parked up on the run up to Druids. It was a fantastic race. From where i was stood you can see a lot of the circuit. The only completely blind spots were the pit straight and the top of Druids because there are trees in the way. That is why i missed Matt Neal being punted into the gravel. Bloody trees. Jason Plato won anyway so i was happy. After lunch was the second race by which point i was getting rather nervous because straight after this i had to go to the Chevy stand. To be honest i watched the race but i didn't really take it in because i was stressing about getting in this helicopter. JP won this race as well which was fantastic. A good start to the season. I still can't get over how short the Indy circuit is.

After the race i made my way up to the Chevy stand, massively nervous by now. I got there and one by one all the winners arrived. We sat at a table and chatted. The chap that was with us said Jason was hopefully going to come over to say hello before we left if not he would see us after. I was rambling on, i think through nerves and then had a panic because i thought i'd forgotten my camera! I'd just forgotten where i had put it. Anyway the chap said we had better make our way over to the chopper which was a long walk for me as i was now terrified. We got to the silver helicopter and one by one had our pictures taken stood next to it, then a group one. There was a chance to sit in the front, not a chance! We had a briefing and were told that when we landed we had to get out with the rotors running. As if i didn't have enought to worry about! For someone who is scared of flying it does beg the question why i entered a competition to go in a helicopter? I've learnt over the years that you should take every opportunity you can because you never know what is around the corner. Despite my nerves i was looking forward to it with huge excitement.
So we all got in i sat facing forwards on the right hand side. The pilot was lovely and said he was going to do this this, that and the other including checking everything was working to which i replied 'Good!'. The sick bags were also pointed out to us. I was still rambling on mostly through nerves. They took some more photos of us inside the chopper with our headsets on.

It was at this point that Jason appeared. Bless him. He shook all our hands and chatted very briefly before the doors were shut.

Our seat belt consisted of the same thing you get in an airplane and the windows were huge. It was so noisy once the chopper was started up and i have never pooped my pants as much as when the thing took off. I instantly went quiet. Jason was still on the ground and waved to us as we flew off, which was nice. I have a problem with airplanes but that is nothing i have discovered compared to the problem i have with helicopters. I cannot even begin to describe how i felt. All i had to hold on to was the leather seat, there were no arm rests. It is such a bizarre sensation. You don't feel like your moving but bobbling up and down a bit with the wind which by the way i hated. All i could think of was that it was going to drop out of the sky. Planes seem very sturdy and safe whereas this seemed flimsy and unsafe. It's clearly not as i am still alive able to write this. I looked out of the window but there was no way i was looking down. A head for heights is a necessity.

We flew passed the Queen Elizabeth bridge and follwed to Thames up river. I was taking loads of pictures of everything. Most of them i don't even know what they are! Lets just say i got a bit trigger happy with my camera. As we headed towards London we could see so much but it was a little cloudy. If it had been a sunnier day we may have been able to see further. At one point we could see City Airport, the Thames Barrier and the Millenium Dome.

We flew right passed City Airport and the planes looked so tiny. Well everything did to be honest. We also saw the Olympic Stadium from afar. I would put my picture up but it looks a bit like a spot the ball competition.

We flew over the Thames Barrier which was pretty impressive. I don't know many people who can say they've done that in a chopper.


We travelled a bit further up river and just before the Millenium Dome we turned to go back.

It was at this point my hands clamped down even harder onto the seat as we banked left. If you looked left you could see the ground below practically. I on the other hand prefered looking out of the window next to me at the sky. I don't think i said two words on the flight. That is how bloody petrified i was, to the point of silence. We flew back to Brands and i took photos of various things including a random golf course. It just made me chuckle seeing it from the sky.

We didn't actually fly over Brands which was disappointing but we got to see a little of it from the air. It is absolutely tiny. I thought it was a tiny circuit from the ground but it's even smaller from the sky.

I never even thought about the thing landing and that was almost the worst part. It wasn't to bad until we got close to the ground at which point it felt like it was going to fall to the ground. Anyway it landed and i don't think i could have got out of it any quicker than i did. Headset off, legs slid onto the ground, head down and run. It's funny as soon as i was out of the chopper i started talking again. Albeit slowly but it wasn't long before i was rambling away. I didn't let on just how ill i felt. I would never have forgiven myself if it had had to be cut short because i am a complete wimp. It was amazing and i'm so pleased i did it. How many people can say they have flown up the Thames and across the Thames Barrier in Jason Platos Agusta 109 twin engined helicopter?

The other winners were lovely and if i'm honest i do feel a little bad because i did ramble on a lot. Nerves and excitement were to blame i suspect. Afterwards we went to the Q&A session for Plato and McDowell which was enjoyable. My favourite question was 'How much did you laugh when you punted Matt Neil off into the gravel?' It was directed at Alex McDowell who said he had to losen his belts but i creased up when JP interupted and said 'I undid mine!'. When the Q&A session finished he came over and we said thank you etc. I said 'I must apologise i think i left some claw marks in your seat'. What a thoroughly lovely bloke and a surprisingly strong handshake.

As usual i managed to make myself look hideous. I was trying to see the camera screen but the sun was glaring on it so i leant back, hence my numerous chins. everytime i get a picture with someone it always turns out crap.

So that was what happened after i sent one text with the expectation that nothing would come of it. It just goes to show you never know what is going to happen. To be honest despite being terrifed that has got to be one of the best things i have ever had the good fortune of doing. It was an amazing experience which i shall never forget. A day of firsts for me. The first time i've been to Brands, the first time i've been to Kent, the first time i've been on the M25 and the first time i have been in a helicopter (and possibly last).

Well done to Jason on winning the first two races and lets hope the winning continues. Most importantly of all is a thank you for Mr Plato for letting us have a ride on his chopper.

Comic Relief

So friday was comic relief. I organised a little night of fun and games for the kids of my local village. We did it it 2 years ago and i was sponsored to be gunged which was really messy. That wasn't a possibility this year with my arm strapped up.

They had a good time though. Malteser racing was particularly entertaining although i couldn't get some adults together for a grown up version. We raised £66 in total which wasn't bad considering the numbers that came and the prices we were charging. Anyway every little helps.

Last night in a moment of madness i bid on the Ruby Wax twit relief on Ebay. I was expecting to be outbid quite quickly. That didn't happen so i woke up this morning to find out i was the winning bidder. That'll learn me. Part of me wanted to win it but part of me thinks it's a lot of money. At the end of the day it's for a good cause and i'm sure that Comic Relief will make much better use of it than i will.

So i shall be going to watch Ruby Wax getting botox and going to see her show, oh and she will be following me on twitter. A little random to say the least.

Oxford Castle

I went to Oxford Castle today which was interesting.

It was more a tour of the old prison than the castle to be honest but that is what i was interested in anyway.

First stop was an Anglo Saxon tower which we had to walk up the smallest spiral staircase ever. It was a treacherous walk to say the least but the view from the top was fantastic. Getting back down was hideous.



Then we went down into a haunted Norman crypt which scared the shit out of me.


Then up to a corridor riddled with cells. They were tiny and sometimes held 30 people. There were only 8 of us and it was cosy!


We made our way through a series of corridors with cells going off them and finally up another spiral staircase. This was less hazardous than the previous one. This led us to a room with bits of interactive things in it. I took the opportunity to dress up like a prisoner and prison officer. There was also a stepper thing which prisoners had to climb 19,000ft on. It move 10cm with every step! Then there was the solid metal bed which didn't look particularly comfortable.


Another thing we came across was a couple of cameras which took your mug shot which we eventually realised put your pictures on a screen for everyone to see!


The hospital wing left something to be desired and i wasn't taken with the solitary confinement cell which was tiny.

When we had finished we walked up the Mott (Oxford Castle).

The best part for me was going into Malmaison. The TV show Bad Girls was filmed there and the hotel is what was G Wing in the show. I made an excuse i wanted a menu to take away just to get in then asked if i could have a look. It looked just like G Wing! A little posher but i was on the set! The old staricases and walkways are still there and the cell doors are the room doors. I was absolutely taken aback. I was very surprised at how narrow the place was. It was quite long and high but very narrow. I would love to stay there for a night just to experience it as the rooms are the old cells. That had to be the highlight standing in G Wing.

Nothing new

Well the last few days have been rather dull.

I've spent the time having a blitz on my room trying to rid myself of all my unwanted/not needed possesions. It's taking for bloody ever. Seriously you don't realise how much crap you stash until you have a good look.

I would go out for a walk but it's been raining rather heavily and i don't trust the waterproofness of my coat. I don't fancy a soggy plaster cast.

At the minute i have a rather annoying itch right in the middle of my arm which i'm trying to ignore in the hope it goes away. A knitting needle would be helpful right now.

Gutted

I feel i shouldn't moan bearing in mind what is going on in the world. My problem is trivial in comparison.

Not good news at fracture clinic. I have to have a scan which involves injecting dye into my wrist. The Dr said he thinks i may have wrecked my ligament reconstruction. The scan will show what damage there is but he said it will be difficult to see on the scan as i've had surgery. If it is wrecked it will mean more surgery. The last one was classed as major reconstructive surgery and if i have to have it again it'll be even more major than the last. Gutted doesn't even begin to describe how i feel but it is a start.

So my optimism about going to fracture clinic didn't work

Ebay

These last few weeks i've been selling some of my old stuff on Ebay.

It's great for having a clear out but it does take some effort. You have to list the items, get the gear to post the items, chase people to pay for the items occaisionally and send the things. Sometimes i do wonder if it is worth the effort at all.

I guess i get a bit of pocket money from it which is nice plus a bit more space in the cupboard. Ultimately i want to reduce the amount of crap i have stored away. After having to move the contents of my bedroom just before christmas it made me realise just how much stuff i have that i don't need.

Not all of my stuff i have sold. Some of it has gone to charity shops. I think you know the things that will sell and which won't. Rather than just tossing them away i would like to think someone else could make use of them.

It amazes me how much stuff you collect over the years and shove into corners. I'll probably get rid of a load of things only for their shelf space to be filled with things that in another 5 years time will see the same fate as my current unwanted tat.

Long time no see

I've neglected my blog i'm afraid. I guess i knew it wouldn't last. So what's been happening?

Well at the end of september i started my new job which would have been going well had i not had to take time off to have an operation on my wrist in november. Scapholunate ligament reconstruction is not a nice operation i discovered. I have a plastic screw in my wrist now and am without a full range of movement but i guess it's better than having a completely torn ligament in my wrist.

Christmas was uneventful really but it was nice to have my friend back from Brunei. Talking of which i have booked my flight to go and see her in october. I am very excited to tell the truth but very nervous about the journey as i'm doing it on my own. I'm sure it'll be fine.

It's only the begining of the year and i'm sure it will get better.